Shuffle all

It was a dull night or so it seemed, it could have been otherwise also but that's got no relevance to what I'm about to narrate, so it doesn't really matter. The events that transpired that night were of great significance in my life. That night was when i got to drive a car on proper roads in the middle of some traffic after I'd got my real driver's license. The drive was so exhilarating that i wouldn't forget for a lifetime. It was by chance that i got to drive that night.

Earlier that day came the exam results, I'd failed in quite a few subjects and passed in a few too, which was about what I'd expected so that didn't worry me much. A friend had failed in all so i wasn't the kid that studied the least, not like that made me feel better but just so i give a proper picture. A friend had passed all subjects, and there were friends of other types too, so we were a mixed bunch as far as results were concerned. The results this time around had a different vibe, for this was our final semester and officially college was over for us, of course we were going to stick around a little longer until we cleared all our pending papers, yet there was a sense of sadness. I felt it a little stronger than the others or so i thought because i was in love. This girl of my heart, to my regret, had passed all subjects, so typical. Her name was Narmada, she was a nice girl, a good dancer and very popular, especially with the guys. She was probably the girl of many hearts and there were probably sadder souls that day. But that didn't dampen my spirits because she wasn't easy and i was popular too, with the girls especially, i was a 'hunk' and i played football and was good at it too. And girls simply dug guys like me.

I always was under the impression that i could get any girl that i wanted but that was once damaged a little. It was about a year ago, i decided to tell her that i liked her. Then i barely knew her, yet i walked to her, she was with a bunch of other girls and most of them looked at me, except her, so i had to call her by her name and she turned sipping coffee from the cup, and man, she was a looker.

"yes" she said

I was afraid that i might get nervous and this in turn made me nervous, though this was triggered by a different stimulus, it felt the same and what it made me was about the same too and it kept building.

"Can i speak to you alone for a second" i said with some difficulty

"what about?"

"It's kinda personal and I'm a bit conscious with your friends around you see"

"OK, gimme a second" she said and turned to her friends and said something i couldn't hear and came to me and she did it so neatly. We walked away from her friends and as i was contemplating ways to tell her, she said

"You're not gonna propose, are you?"

I got a heart attack. I felt faint, i wished i was not there, i wished i could disappear. I gulped a bit and said

"No, no of course not, why would i do that, i mean, what are you talking about" i said trying to look confused and looking like i needed to take a piss

"That's a relief, cos guys typically do that, you see. I used to like that at first, it was fun but now i'm sick of it, it's kinda boring too"

"Really, that's crazy, I'm surprised, do they what, just walk to you and propose"

"Sure, many do that and some try to chat me up and all that, some try to be friends with me. But all ending up at the same spot"

"Crazy, funny the things guys can do for girls"

"Funny in a way yes, but also annoying sometimes. And what is it that you wanted to say?"

"oh that, yes, i almost forgot, ah, and now i don't seem to remember. what was it? You have any idea? I mean what could it be, i have such a bad memory, i'm sorry" i spluttered.

"What?"

"That's right, what? Yes, of course i know now, how can i forget, dance, that's right, i wanted to learn dance and wasn't sure how to go about it, there, you see?" i said, a little relieved that came just in time.

She thought for a bit and said "Oh, you're looking for a dance tutor? Ok, i don't go for classes you see, and i don't really know anyone that can teach"

"Oh i see, alright, that's alright, i'm mean it's ok, absolutely, not like i was very keen anyway, just a thought, that's all, and now looking at you i've changed my mind, i mean, you're so thin just like how a dancer should be and that long hair, i mean it looks great on you when you dance, i mean it's all perfect for you. I mean it's totally alright with me, i'm fine, and thank you, thank you very much. i guess football is more my speed." i said stupidly.

"oh, ok. Whatever you say" she said looking amused.

"Ok, thanks a lot, i'll see you, bye" i said

"Ok, bye" she said and walked away. I stood there for a moment feeling utterly stupid. So, since then i'd developed a huge feeling for Narmada and was totally smitten by her, lovelorn and all that.

So i worshiped her for the next whole year. I would go to every cultural show that she danced in. I would get those DVDs if possible and watch her dance. I would listen to the songs that she danced to, even try to memorize them. I'd even watched some random people dance only because they were dancing to the songs that Narmada once danced to. I would call her in the evening just to hear her speak until she hung up. The bottom line is i did every crazy thing that a guy in love would do.

I would wait for her to come, in the canteen, and buy the same stuff she bought. I would gaze at her throughout the time she ate. I would look away if she looked, sometimes i'd continue to stare, and she'd look away. I'd wait for her in the corridor outside her class just before it ended, and when she came i'd stare. At first, she used to smile at me and i'd smile too, sheepishly, but sensing the habit she stopped smiling and she started avoiding me quite evidently or sometimes she would stare back coldly which i found very endearing and i would stare still colder. Sometimes she would get in the middle of the bunch that comes out first and slide away chatting with a friend. Nothing mattered to me as long as i saw her everyday and i was happy living that way.

I could have easily been in talking terms with her after the first time i spoke with her and i might have even got her to like me and all that but i never found that very romantic, also i'd never do that after what she'd said about guys that do that. I liked the coldness that had developed between us, i found it very attractive and there was something wild about it, something that turned me on. I was hoping she felt the same way. Towards the end of the year i kept getting this funny feeling that she felt the same way too. And this feeling grew stronger, nothing obvious from the way she behaved but there were certain subtleties that i couldn't describe or clearly sense.

As my final days in college were counting down i started getting a little restless. Often i'd decided that it was time i told her but i could never tell her. There was something about her that scared me a bit, her calm demeanor, her composure or maybe her ego, now i was getting scared of everything about her that i used to like about her. Perhaps, i was scared of failure, failure i couldn't bear i knew. As days went, fear was replaced by despair, and there were times when i'd lost hope too.

So, after exams, exams that i did terribly, i thought about everything and i kept wondering what might've happened had i told her earlier, i'd keep picturing different possibilities in my head. Running the same version over and over, running a different version, losing sleep, sleeping half awake and all that. But, one thing i kept telling myself everyday, that was a decision i made, i decided to tell her on the day of results no matter what.

So, after checking the results. I waited in the corridor from the lobby where the results were published, i waited for a while. A little later at the other end of the corridor i could see Narmada and her friends coming, i stood straight feeling nervous and desperate. As they came closer, their conversations sounded hushed and giggly, i fixed my gaze on Narmada, prepared to meet the familiar cold stare. But this time she didn't look at me, she looked flustered and for a second i thought she was blushing. I gulped and allowed my gaze to follow her. At about the end of the corridor she slid away from her friends and laid her bag on the ledge and scribbled something on a piece of paper, left it there and walked away after glancing at me. I ran there and grabbed the note, it read

"Meet me here the same time tomorrow."

I couldn't stop smiling, i was grinning from ear to ear like a looney. I merrily trotted to my friends and flaunted that note and all that. They teased me for a bit and that's it, because they were a little excited about that night's booze meet, being the last day and all that. Even otherwise we'd drink because we had nothing else to do. I was at the top of the world since i got that note which was all the more reason to drink. That night seemed to promise a lot of fun, we had a car, the money we'd pooled was ample, not to mention the girls that'd show up at the fashionable pub we were going to goto, reputed for that type of crowd.

A friend managed to bring the car that he'd promised he'd. So i and my friends squeezed into the car and drove away. The pub was neat in my opinion, truly up to it's reputation, holding a tidy crowd with the prettiest and the dumbest girls in the city. We got drunk slowly, talking of this and that. The music was great and loud, we had to shout at the top of our voices if we had something to say, and everyone had something to say every second, so we all were shouting at one another, a deaf beholder might think we were fighting, from the look on our faces. It was almost midnight when we came out of the pub. We were drunk like hell that it felt like we were filled with alcohol head to toe. My friend said he was too drunk to drive. He wanted me to drive, i was too drunk too, but i wanted to drive, it's the type of feeling that one gets right after getting a driver's license, that blunts ones senses. So i took the drivers seat, and drove. The vehicle was a lot better than the one in which i'd learned to drive, this was much easier to maneuver and everything was smooth. I drove for a while, neatly overtaking the few vehicles there were. A little later the road was empty and i revved all the way up to the top, everything that went past us seemed so surreal, my friends were cheering me and i could sense the alcohol weighing down my head. I reminded myself to maintain steady and i did. Just as i turned to the left at the end of that road, four or more cops came out of nowhere to block the car. A friend shouted

"Don't stop, keep going, keep going"

So i abruptly slid to the extreme right of the road and revved, to go past all the policemen. I sped along crazily and to my horror i could see a cop chasing behind on a bike. I revved still, it felt like the whole world was whirling into my head. I heard a friend laugh out loud "Ha Ha Ha", he kept laughing hysterically or so it seemed. I heard the sound of siren from the cop's bike, the sound grew louder and louder, it felt like a thousand cops were chasing from every direction. The laughing grew louder too, it was like a crazy dream. Suddenly, the sounds attenuated like i'd gone deaf. The laughing seemed to fade inside my head, the sound of the siren seemed to fade inside. The streetlights seemed like they were blinding my vision, or it wasn't the streetlights, it was probably another car from the opposite direction. I tried to adjust my vision, i could see that the road was turning to the right into the bridge, i wasn't sure if the speed was ok to turn but i had no option and i turned the wheel all the way to the right and the car did remarkably well and turned, but apparently the left tire hit the curb on the left and the car was airborne for a bit until the rear-wheels hit the bridge wall and the bottom of the car hit the outside of the bridge wall with a bang and the car was plummeting down like a jet, everything around us seemed like a dream and i still heard my friend laughing "Ha ha ha", i for a moment thought it was some kind of a really funny joke or maybe a crazy dream. Suddenly the car hit the ground with a huge thud and i........

And he died. So, don't drink and drive. Funny? No? 

deux amis

chapter 1
there are many lonely people around, we just don't know that they are lonely. for example, I'm lonely and nobody thinks I'm lonely. i never felt like this until i was in high school. i would attribute my loneliness to the absence of a girlfriend or at least i thought so. many think so. in school, we talked about girls in a subtle and shy way. we got teased for having obsessions and all. in college almost everyone was ready to admit their obsession. i thought we were becoming desperate. i was becoming desperate. when ever we talked, we talked about girls and everywhere we went we looked for girls. as everything went by, some guys got lucky and got girls, presumably girls were looking for guys too, i don't know. overwhelming insecurity binds. my overwhelming insecurity never bound me anywhere, only got me terribly desperate that my tongue hung invariably. until one day i found priya, that name kept resounding in my head. i even suggested

"'priya', isn't that an amazing name. can you think of a name better than that?"

"lavanya"

"who is lavanya?"

"i don't know. i just thought that was a good name. I'd like lavanya for a wife."

"who is lavanya?"

"i don't know. i just like the name, i told you."

"you'd marry a girl for her name? what if she's ugly?"

"i don't think so, lavanyas are usually not ugly. i used to know a lavanya from junior school, she was very pretty "

"i don't know, but i like priya better, fewer syllables. And moreover someone would actually talk when i call that name."

"oh really. what happened to the girl you saw at the french class?"

"oh her. she's totally out of my league. i once actually mustered up all the courage in me and went up to her and asked her name and she said 'why' and that's it, just why. don't you love it when people manage to handle such situations with just a word. i mean imagine the kinda pressure you're under when a girl approaches you, i thought it's the same for girls too. anyway i kinda liked the way she said that"

"and what did you say?"

"what do you expect me to say, i can't tell her that i really liked her and would like to be in a relationship with her. anyway, i couldn't have said that even if I'd wanted to, i was very nervous. i just walked away with a "forget about it" nod, anyway she seemed totally out of my league so forget about it anyway"

"ha ha, that must have been embarrassing.. i can't even imagine you doing that."

"yeah, it was.. but embarrassment i can handle if i knew i was gonna get the girl, that's the trouble, you never know if you stood a chance"

"i know, but trust me man. you don't stand a chance at all, not with any girl, you just need to wait for your parents to find you one."

"what do you mean i don't stand a chance i already got priya"

"you haven't got priya. you've been messaging for what like 5 days?, that's not got her"

"maybe i haven't got her but that's something anyway. what about you, you got nothing and yet you speak like you're a babe magnet"

"course I'm, i just never tried. i could get any girl i want, I'm just not into it"

just then a girl was going across to the canteen, looking at her i said to Sid
"oh really. how about that one there, she's not bad, you can get her?"

"sure, she's easy"

"oh really, why don't you prove it"

"oh really, alright, you just wait here and watch me work. you gotta watch and learn, from the god"

he went up to her and said something and she smiled and walked away. and he came back

"there you go, you saw that?"

"yes, and if that's charming women then i might have done that a hundred or more times without even noticing. that was not even a conversation and she's gone already"

"what are you talking about, she smiled and she sure liked me. i asked her if i stood a chance with her and she smiled, did you not see that"

"that could have meant anything, she could have thought how ridiculous you were"

"alright if that's not enough, you need to wait. she's gonna have to come this way from the canteen, I'll prove it to you then"

"alright i can wait. just don't get into trouble"

that girl was coming out of the canteen

"OK there she comes, i bet she's gonna look at me, watch closely"

"she might look but that doesn't prove anything dummy"

"just watch loser"

the girl was passing by us and as she walked, surprisingly, she did turn to look at him and she smiled too

"now, what do you think about that, you got something to say?"

"alright brad pitt, you win"

"you only need to give them something they'd like, after all they are all humans too. You gotta amuse them or surprise them or at least buy them food if you're not very bright. guys imagine girls always expect a lot from guys which is so not true and which is why guys never get the courage to approach them and strike a decent conversation which i believe is more than sufficient to start with for any normal girl. for instance, the girl from your french class, you quit on her even before you could speak with her properly, that's exactly what I'm talking about"

"there was a reason i could not speak then, i was damn nervous cos she seemed totally out of my league"

"she might be out of your league but she is definitely of your kind"

"oh really, and what kind is that"

"the human kind, you dummy. come on dude haven't you seen the prettiest girls with the ugliest guys. and every time you see them you're struck with disbelief and jealousy, which is totally pointless, cos that's never gonna make you learn from them. they are like our gods and we need to acknowledge the fact that they got something that we haven't, we need to respect them and be inspired by them"

"what's your point dude"

"the point is that it's not that hard to get a girl like you make it out to be"

"i never said it's hard generally, i just don't have what it takes to get a girl"

"that's bullshit. you're pretty cool in my opinion but you are also such a chicken when it comes to girls. you're too scared of what might happen, you imagine a lot and you let that scare you, you're never ready to take a chance and eventually you settle for some everyday girl just cos her name's got fewer syllables. you are a typical loser"

"what are you talking about. i will never settle for an ordinary girl and you don't know about priya just yet, we've just started messaging and i doubt if she's even got the slightest clue that i might be talking this with one of my friends"

"course she knows unless she's totally dumb. are you telling me that she might be looking for some sort of a divine friendship that transcends all emotions and crap like that"

"maybe she knows or whatever, that's not the point. what are you saying i should do? if you think I'm a chicken then is there a way for me to not be a chicken, cos if there is then it's about time you said it"

"I'm saying that you need to be passionate about it, you need to at least give them a chance to like you. Just staring and drooling is not gonna get you shit. you know what, if i were you I'd have told the girl from french class everything that i was feeling for her in the most passionate way one could think of, after all who doesn't like being liked, and if she is a cool headed girl like you think she is, she'd at least think about it and that's half the job done"


"true, but it's all easy to talk and to think over but trust me dude, nothing works the way you want it when you are face to face with a girl. you know what, let's not talk about it for a while"

"alright, that'll work, let's forget about it"

chapter 2
watching movies was the awesomest pastime I've ever known. while watching a movie, I'm totally dragged into it, forgetting everything about me. and movies have been quite influential on a lot of things in my life too. Sid always managed to get tickets for both of us every time an our type of movie was released. I'd watched most of my favourite movies with him. some days after we watched '300' we watched it for the second time and we thought the movie was still great. and when i told priya about the movie, she watched it too, and she didn't think the movie was all that great

"priya didn't think the movie was all that great, can you believe it"

"i think i can. not many girls fancy gore and men fighting with swords. they are often struck by disgust that they fail to notice the visual effects and all"

"quite true. and you know what, now that she's watched '300' she wants me to watch 'high school musical', what do you think about that"

"it's typical, i think"

"ya?"

"ya. if you don't want to watch it, you could just tell her that you watched it and you can also add that you liked the opening and the closing songs, just in case she wants to know your opinion, that always works with musicals. you can also try to hum out a tune, some random tune and she will get it on her first guess"

"that's not fair, i think i will watch it, who knows i might like it"

"since when did you start giving a damn about being fair, you've become such a girl"

"come on, it's just a movie, not like I'm gonna lose anything"

"whatever, as long as I'm not a part of it. so what you gonna do this weekend? i got some weed left from last week's, we can smoke it this weekend, what say?"

"no, i can't come. I'm going to a movie with priya and also she doesn't like the idea of me smoking weed. she disapproves of cigarettes, let alone weed, so i thought of calling it quits, so you carry on"

"what the hell was that. why am i even still friends with you. you're becoming such an asshole. dude, you better get a grip on yourself, don't get carried away. now is it like a date or something?"

"no i don't think so, she and her friends were gonna go and she asked me if I'd like to come too, and i said why not. anyway I've always wanted to go out to a movie or somewhere with a bunch of girls. i used to envy these guys that could do that, and now for once i can be the envied"

"sounds like a big weekend for you. which movie is it?"

"it's a Hindi movie, not sure about the name"

"a Hindi movie? that's crazy, you don't even understand Hindi. what the hell are you gonna do there"

"I'm hoping someone will translate. anyway it's not about the movie, i see this as an opportunity to be with priya and get to know her more"

"get to know her huh? sounds like fun"

"do you think i should get her something, you know being the first time going out and all"

"i don't know, get her whatever. I'm starting to get bored"

"oooh, is that envy that I'm sensing already. I'm sorry, i totally forgot you were single. it must be very sad being single, i hear people say that they get lonely when they are single, is that true. you should perhaps come with me this weekend. i could set you up with one of priya's friends"

"now is that supposed to be funny, I've already had enough this evening, don't you start off with your clichéd humour, obviously it's not funny"

"someone is getting pissed off" I sang

chapter 3
that weekend was quite a disaster for me. there was this huge shock, which i never saw was coming and then there was this movie. that weekend i realized that Hindi movies are really long, very very long and not only are they long but they are also thoroughly boring through out the long length. the humour, lame from the look of it and the sentiments are too corny, and the movie, absolutely crappy. surprisingly the audience was totally engrossed in the movie, and priya was so absorbed in it that she wouldn't translate for me. now this turned out to be one of those moments when one desperately craves to smoke, now a song i thought would give me the time to sneak out for a quick smoke but unfortunately i couldn't tell a song from the rest of the movie because there was this annoying choir humming at the background almost throughout the movie which made the whole movie sound like a song. there's got to be a silver lining somewhere i thought and it came to me almost immediately, the interval. so i was waiting patiently for the interval which never came, and it occurred to me, this could be one of the movies that's got no interval, that's not fair, no silver lining at all. so i was waiting impatiently for the movie to end. just when i thought the movie was over, it turns out that was just the interval. at one point of time the movie bored me so much that i got totally pissed and walked out of the cinema hall and rode to Sid's house

"can you believe it Sid, priya's already got a boyfriend"

"what"

"priya, she's already got a boyfriend"

"i heard you the first time. tell me more about it, it's getting exciting"

"i went to the theatre a little early hoping to have a chat with priya and her friends. and they never turned up until it was five minutes before the movie, and then she comes with a bunch of guys and only guys, and one of them she tells me was her boyfriend and i was totally shocked and you know what i did, i shook hands with him and his buddies, what was i thinking"

"hang on, so her friends that you were talking about the other day, they were all guys?"

"yes, and so many were they that i couldn't count. not even i have hung out with so many guys"

"and she was the only girl"

"yes, very distinctly"

"and she got a boyfriend?"

"yes, and that wasn't me"

"wow, now that's a typical example of an awesome bulb. i never thought today would turn out to be so exciting, go on, keep talking"

"it's not funny dude, I'm totally heart-broken and the movie made me nauseous. she never once mentioned about him, god, i can't believe it"

"i totally can, only now everything is so befitting to your nature. now, i need to know, what were you guys even messaging about. did she ever tell you that she loved you or liked you or have a crush or did you at least tell her"

"i once told her that it was good to message her. but trust me, she gave me all the right signals otherwise i wouldn't have been led on"

"and what exactly are the signals that you are talking about"

"well, she once told me that i was very sweet, and she wanted me to send her some of my photos and she sent me hers. she once said that she liked my hair"

"ooohh, so sweet, I'd have been madly in love"

"stop being funny, cos it really doesn't help"

"alright, so what's the next step"

"there's no next step. I'm gonna have to forget about her and move on. not like I'm too upset anyway, good riddance I'd say"

"loser! you never had her to get rid of her. you are such a loser, ha ha"

"yeah i know dude, but i still can't believe she had a boyfriend throughout the time she was hitting on me. I'm gonna be upset for a long time i think"

"yeah, and you know what you totally were right, definitely it's sad to be single and i hear people say that people get lonely when they're single, is that true, what do you think about that"

"will you please let go. i can't even believe you are my friend"

"I'm sorry, that was mean of me to say that, I'm really sorry. I've just got one question though"

"what"

"how come the rest of the audience didn't complain?"

"why would they complain?"

"cos it must have been very distracting for them to watch the movie with the big bulb of yours burning so bright"

"go on, make fun of me all you like, i don't care"

"I'm only trying to cheer you up dude. every thing's gonna be fine. haven't you heard time heals everything."

"yeah right i know, what's the point in being upset and all, especially while she is still there watching that sick movie. she didn't care to ask why i went out"

"what! you came out in the middle of the movie"

"course i did, what do you expect. that was so horrifyingly boring. I've decided to never again watch a Hindi movie"

"you have been through a lot dude for one day. i feel sorry for you, i really do"

"don't feel sorry, I'll be alright. but what's even more disheartening was when priya refused to translate the movie"

"forget about it dude. i personally thought priya was not the right girl for you. will you cheer up now, in the morning everything is gonna be OK. who knows you might even end up with the girl from your french class"

"that would be something. i think I'll be OK. thanks for talking with me"

"lose the girl in you dude. you know you don't have to thank me"

"yeah, i know. it's kinda weird you know, you have always been there for me throughout but i never felt the need to appreciate that, i guess i kinda got accustomed to it"

"and likewise, i think you've been there for me too and every thing's cool and all's well that ends well, now let's not start sucking each others dick already"

"yeah, got it. now do you still have that weed you were talking about"

"course i do, i was only about to smoke it when you came in"

"good, i can't imagine i was gonna give that up"

"there you are, that's like you"

we smoked weed for a while, and then Sid said

"do you ever wonder how we're gonna be as adults, i mean when we have a family and all?"

"yeah sure, I'll make a pretty decent father. though i seriously doubt if you would"

"maybe, i dunno, but i bet you what, I'll sure make an amazing godfather to your son or daughter"

"ha ha, funny. whatever, i just desperately hope that i have a good life and you too"

"whatever, who cares"

Another loser

my last few defeats had encouraged me to practice to run. I had been running a few kms in the morning before school and in the evening after school. i could feel the energy in me waiting to show. it was school sports day and i was getting prepared for the 400m race. though i was not a great athlete, i took part in every race invariably. today i actually had real hopes of winning or at least coming 2nd or 3rd because i had practiced like hell and also there was my father watching with the other spectators.

i and the other runners took position after a short warm up. we were eight. as i took my stance i could see the others do the same. i was excited and also a bit nervous. we were ready to run. we were to run after a "ready", "set" and a gun shot.

"ready!"

"set!"

The gun shot went and i took off. i felt no pain initially, i could feel myself gaining speed, i felt like i was gliding. after a few seconds i found myself leading the race, i was surprised and ran harder. as the race gained momentum i sensed a guy advancing to my left and i ran even harder to maintain my lead, but my legs were weakening and the guy smoothly overtook me with ease. he glided further away from me. i knew him, he was a good athlete. when i had only about 100m to finish another athlete overtook me immediately followed by another as if i wasn't a part of their race. i felt faint and got scared. i was running fourth and i knew i could not race the first three, so settling for fourth as i was about finish i slowed down a bit and another guy was pushing himself next to me and i tried to run faster but it seemed the more i tried to run the slower i ran and i finished fifth. The rest of the runners finished a little later.

i was very tired and disappointed still. i felt a bit ashamed, i dunno why. i looked at my father, he looked disappointed too but he tried to smile at me. i went to him and sat beside him. i could have cried if i had wished to, but i did not.

" you ran well. you made it a good competition" he said and i knew he was trying to comfort me.

" don't talk about that dad"

" why shouldn't i talk about it. you ran well and I'm glad you did and I'm glad you're amongst the best five athletes in the school"

" you dunno dad, you have no idea how disappointed i am and no comforting can help"

"but I'm telling the truth" he explained

"you dunno dad, what it feels to always be a mediocre. why, i could see and very well understand that i was a mediocre and i couldn't stand it, it was killing me so i tried to come up and i practiced like anything forgoing every fun i could've had. and now after all that here I'm feeling like the smallest person in the world. why am i born this way dad?"

"Son, i know how you feel and I've felt it too and everyone feels it some point in their lives if this is of any comfort to you" he said

"but daddy, I've never had the feeling of being first, not in anything for that matter. why should i always stare in envy at people achieving things. why can't i achieve something for a change"

"you feel miserable because you think so, but in reality you are just as great as ever. why, in a bigger picture everyone is a mediocre. you feel down because you didn't get the appreciation and recognition of the crowd. but why do you need their appreciation or recognition. you did not run for them. you ran for the joy of running and the thrill of competition. you ran to feel good about it, not to cry over it.

"do you think the people that reward the winners only care about the winners or the participants, not at all. i wonder if they even give a thought about who came first or who ran. they have their own worries. they have not got the time to sort out their problems. they come here because they want to, in some way associate themselves with the society.

"remember, the only person in this world that can truly appreciate you is yourself. you have a long way to go and trust me, this world is filled with things that try to bring you down. the only way o thwart them all is to face them, and face them not like a stoic but like a happy man tapping his feet to some music"

I always thought my father was a great man. he knew everything. he had a way of handling things with ease. he just drained all my sadness. he did not do this by buying me things but by talking with me. i felt very happy not only because of what he told me but also to be with him, to know that i have him every time i need him"

even though i didn't smile, i felt so relieved and happy. he then said

" cheer up boy. we're going home now and mom's waiting with some awesome chicken curry and rice. would you give that up for a fake gold medal. i wouldn't."

i smiled...

the loser

waking up was getting harder everyday. my head was so filled with fear. i was so scared that shit wont come out. fear that comes out of loneliness. getting myself back to somewhere close to normal took quite sometime. sleep seemed to be the brightest part in my life, but sometimes even sleep was agonizing, full of gloomy dreams and so much like my real life. but sometimes the dreams were good, everything seemed perfect there that I'd start believing that life was getting better and then I'd wake up to find nothing changed. then I'd try to go back to sleep but most times I'd fail, then I'd just lie there for a bit like an unwieldy bag of shit. this has been my life for quite a while now.

when i was born i was not aware of anything not even my birth. For a long time i knew nothing, at least not that i can remember now. then i grew up slowly becoming aware of myself and everything around me. as days went by i noticed i was not growing as fast as my classmates. i was not eating well some suggested. so my parents fed me dutifully and i absorbed all of that like i had a natural affinity. the outcome was noticed in a months time, i had grown laterally. by then my affinity for food also had grown stronger and then on i never stopped growing. after a few years some said i could float in the air and i thought i could sink into the earth.

i was fat. i was fat in college. everyone noticed me, but for all the wrong reasons. i couldn't help it, couldn't blame them either. i imagine it was very comforting for them to look at me and they were happy to see me and every time they needed some perspective, they would look at me and say to themselves 'things could have been worse'. i noticed, in my class i was the fattest and the shortest, how unique i was. first year was when everyone was excited, the boys couldn't take their eyes off the girls and the girls couldn't stop looking beautiful. the guys would look and the girls would giggle. some exchanged glances, some spoke with one another and some even made out after college i heard. i noticed, nobody looked at me or spoke with me let alone make out with me, not even the fat ones. can't blame them, cos i never had the urge to look at them or talk to them. in college if one has good looks and some money he is popular by the end of first week and he is happy and proud and smug. everyone wanted to be popular, i wanted to be popular but i had neither and i was very sad. life sucks i thought. everyone was born equal meant shit to me.

i was not a totally lonely kid, i made a few friends and was with them most time. i found solace in their company or at least that made me forget how unfortunate i was. i thought my friends weren't very bright, what held us together was the implicit agreement about nature's disparity. we could do nothing about it, we couldn't change it. we never talked about our misfortune. we tried to forget it. we always tried to stick together everywhere we went and everything we did. though we were together all the time, deep down inside was an overwhelming loneliness, and it crept out every once in a while. every time we had some money, we pooled it and boozed. that helped. once a friend of our friend's introduced us to dope. we thought that was cool. doping was like a dream. we started to get addicted to that and also that was a bit expensive so we decided to quit and we did. by then college time was almost over and all of us got jobs at different places and we had to split.

the first few days of my work were like the first few days of college. i met different people, and we had to be in a class for some kind of training, a part of the initiation. once during a training session, a girl sat next to me. she was not a stunner, but she was not bad either and i liked her at once. she had the soft, light skin of a girl and she looked very pretty when she smiled, she always spoke softly like all girls. i wished she could be mine. if i asked her something, she would answer so softly and patiently. this I've noticed in most girls, they are so composed and mature all the time. i wish i could be as mature. the more i talked with her the more i wanted to talk. by the end of that day i was totally in love with her. i was thinking about her all the time. the next day i was excited and was looking forward to talking to her. sadly, she was sitting next to another guy and he could beat me hands down, in any regard. she smiled at me and i smiled back and got another seat. i was sad for the next few days, but by then i got used to being sad as i had been through worse in the past.

and now, nothing has changed. i stood blearily in front of the mirror and kept staring. i looked ugly, i kept staring in self pity. i can lose some weight if i tried i thought and i decided to run in the beach, with the other fat people. so i started to run, looking to lose some fat and gain some self respect. i still run in the mornings in the beach, just by the sea. you can come and talk with me if you feel like it, i will like that.