waking up was getting harder everyday. my head was so filled with fear. i was so scared that shit wont come out. fear that comes out of loneliness. getting myself back to somewhere close to normal took quite sometime. sleep seemed to be the brightest part in my life, but sometimes even sleep was agonizing, full of gloomy dreams and so much like my real life. but sometimes the dreams were good, everything seemed perfect there that I'd start believing that life was getting better and then I'd wake up to find nothing changed. then I'd try to go back to sleep but most times I'd fail, then I'd just lie there for a bit like an unwieldy bag of shit. this has been my life for quite a while now.
when i was born i was not aware of anything not even my birth. For a long time i knew nothing, at least not that i can remember now. then i grew up slowly becoming aware of myself and everything around me. as days went by i noticed i was not growing as fast as my classmates. i was not eating well some suggested. so my parents fed me dutifully and i absorbed all of that like i had a natural affinity. the outcome was noticed in a months time, i had grown laterally. by then my affinity for food also had grown stronger and then on i never stopped growing. after a few years some said i could float in the air and i thought i could sink into the earth.
i was fat. i was fat in college. everyone noticed me, but for all the wrong reasons. i couldn't help it, couldn't blame them either. i imagine it was very comforting for them to look at me and they were happy to see me and every time they needed some perspective, they would look at me and say to themselves 'things could have been worse'. i noticed, in my class i was the fattest and the shortest, how unique i was. first year was when everyone was excited, the boys couldn't take their eyes off the girls and the girls couldn't stop looking beautiful. the guys would look and the girls would giggle. some exchanged glances, some spoke with one another and some even made out after college i heard. i noticed, nobody looked at me or spoke with me let alone make out with me, not even the fat ones. can't blame them, cos i never had the urge to look at them or talk to them. in college if one has good looks and some money he is popular by the end of first week and he is happy and proud and smug. everyone wanted to be popular, i wanted to be popular but i had neither and i was very sad. life sucks i thought. everyone was born equal meant shit to me.
i was not a totally lonely kid, i made a few friends and was with them most time. i found solace in their company or at least that made me forget how unfortunate i was. i thought my friends weren't very bright, what held us together was the implicit agreement about nature's disparity. we could do nothing about it, we couldn't change it. we never talked about our misfortune. we tried to forget it. we always tried to stick together everywhere we went and everything we did. though we were together all the time, deep down inside was an overwhelming loneliness, and it crept out every once in a while. every time we had some money, we pooled it and boozed. that helped. once a friend of our friend's introduced us to dope. we thought that was cool. doping was like a dream. we started to get addicted to that and also that was a bit expensive so we decided to quit and we did. by then college time was almost over and all of us got jobs at different places and we had to split.
the first few days of my work were like the first few days of college. i met different people, and we had to be in a class for some kind of training, a part of the initiation. once during a training session, a girl sat next to me. she was not a stunner, but she was not bad either and i liked her at once. she had the soft, light skin of a girl and she looked very pretty when she smiled, she always spoke softly like all girls. i wished she could be mine. if i asked her something, she would answer so softly and patiently. this I've noticed in most girls, they are so composed and mature all the time. i wish i could be as mature. the more i talked with her the more i wanted to talk. by the end of that day i was totally in love with her. i was thinking about her all the time. the next day i was excited and was looking forward to talking to her. sadly, she was sitting next to another guy and he could beat me hands down, in any regard. she smiled at me and i smiled back and got another seat. i was sad for the next few days, but by then i got used to being sad as i had been through worse in the past.
and now, nothing has changed. i stood blearily in front of the mirror and kept staring. i looked ugly, i kept staring in self pity. i can lose some weight if i tried i thought and i decided to run in the beach, with the other fat people. so i started to run, looking to lose some fat and gain some self respect. i still run in the mornings in the beach, just by the sea. you can come and talk with me if you feel like it, i will like that.
when i was born i was not aware of anything not even my birth. For a long time i knew nothing, at least not that i can remember now. then i grew up slowly becoming aware of myself and everything around me. as days went by i noticed i was not growing as fast as my classmates. i was not eating well some suggested. so my parents fed me dutifully and i absorbed all of that like i had a natural affinity. the outcome was noticed in a months time, i had grown laterally. by then my affinity for food also had grown stronger and then on i never stopped growing. after a few years some said i could float in the air and i thought i could sink into the earth.
i was fat. i was fat in college. everyone noticed me, but for all the wrong reasons. i couldn't help it, couldn't blame them either. i imagine it was very comforting for them to look at me and they were happy to see me and every time they needed some perspective, they would look at me and say to themselves 'things could have been worse'. i noticed, in my class i was the fattest and the shortest, how unique i was. first year was when everyone was excited, the boys couldn't take their eyes off the girls and the girls couldn't stop looking beautiful. the guys would look and the girls would giggle. some exchanged glances, some spoke with one another and some even made out after college i heard. i noticed, nobody looked at me or spoke with me let alone make out with me, not even the fat ones. can't blame them, cos i never had the urge to look at them or talk to them. in college if one has good looks and some money he is popular by the end of first week and he is happy and proud and smug. everyone wanted to be popular, i wanted to be popular but i had neither and i was very sad. life sucks i thought. everyone was born equal meant shit to me.
i was not a totally lonely kid, i made a few friends and was with them most time. i found solace in their company or at least that made me forget how unfortunate i was. i thought my friends weren't very bright, what held us together was the implicit agreement about nature's disparity. we could do nothing about it, we couldn't change it. we never talked about our misfortune. we tried to forget it. we always tried to stick together everywhere we went and everything we did. though we were together all the time, deep down inside was an overwhelming loneliness, and it crept out every once in a while. every time we had some money, we pooled it and boozed. that helped. once a friend of our friend's introduced us to dope. we thought that was cool. doping was like a dream. we started to get addicted to that and also that was a bit expensive so we decided to quit and we did. by then college time was almost over and all of us got jobs at different places and we had to split.
the first few days of my work were like the first few days of college. i met different people, and we had to be in a class for some kind of training, a part of the initiation. once during a training session, a girl sat next to me. she was not a stunner, but she was not bad either and i liked her at once. she had the soft, light skin of a girl and she looked very pretty when she smiled, she always spoke softly like all girls. i wished she could be mine. if i asked her something, she would answer so softly and patiently. this I've noticed in most girls, they are so composed and mature all the time. i wish i could be as mature. the more i talked with her the more i wanted to talk. by the end of that day i was totally in love with her. i was thinking about her all the time. the next day i was excited and was looking forward to talking to her. sadly, she was sitting next to another guy and he could beat me hands down, in any regard. she smiled at me and i smiled back and got another seat. i was sad for the next few days, but by then i got used to being sad as i had been through worse in the past.
and now, nothing has changed. i stood blearily in front of the mirror and kept staring. i looked ugly, i kept staring in self pity. i can lose some weight if i tried i thought and i decided to run in the beach, with the other fat people. so i started to run, looking to lose some fat and gain some self respect. i still run in the mornings in the beach, just by the sea. you can come and talk with me if you feel like it, i will like that.
1 comment:
on which beach can i find you?
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