"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?"
- George Bernard Shaw
The boy was born in one of the many villages of south India. He was raised in a world where injustice was commonplace. He couldn't stop noticing the cruelty of man around him. He knew he had to do something. He knew he was born to save the world. But, he was just a kid and he couldn't do much. But he will when he grew up. He had watched "The mask of zorro" too many times and "Batman" "Robinhood" and what not. He will become them someday, he knew. He did everything he could in his age to condition himself to what a superhero lifestyle might demand. He ran, jumped over walls, swam, subjected himself to mild electricity and tamed animals. By the time he was eighteen, he could run like the horse, and jump, swim like the fish, pass electricity like the high tension copper wire and he almost became an animal. He had given up studying since long. This put his mother to worry. She told herself that her boy knew what he was doing and that he'll never let her down.
The time has come. He was now strong enough to fight the wrongs of this world. It was time for the superhero in him to surface. He was going to need an outfit and a mask. Every superhero needs. He designed his own suit and mask. The suit was in the darkest black, this will give him some invisiblity in the night. The mask was in black too. The mask bore the face of panther. And he called himself black-panther. He kept the black-panther suit and the mask in the side-box of his bike. He might need it anytime.
He wore the suit and the mask and stood before the mirror, he looked super. He admired the way he looked from every aspect. He then got into regular clothes and set out into the city, on his bike. He rode slowly, with the air of a superhero. He rode for hours, everything seemed alright. He needed a plan, he thought. With ideas to make this world a better place, he rode gallantly. Just as he was sinking into his thoughts, he heard the sound of a siren, it was a police car speeding along on the other lane. He missed what was in the front, but he had all the time to find out, he was no ordinary person. He was now a superhero. He turned around at the end of the road and as he began racing behind the car, he remembered that he wasn't wearing the suit and the mask. He knew he couldn't stop to suit up. But he certainly could wear the mask. The mask was in the side-box along with the suit. He wouldn't stop to get the mask. He instead wrung all the way to top speed, then he got the gear to neutral, he got the key out and bent backwards to reach the side-box while the bike was still moving quite fast from the momentum. He managed to open the box and get the mask out. He did it swiftly and gracefully. This was a walkover, superheroes are made for more. He had the mask in his hand now. His speed was declining, he needed to catch up with the car. He also needed to wear the mask. Now, he realized his gimmick had created quite a stir around there. People have seen him. He couldn't possibly let them see him wear the mask. Now, caught in a profound mental hang-up, he lost focus for a bit, and before he could come back, he was sliding on the ground, in the middle of the road. And, before even he knew what was happening, a harmless biker ran over his leg. The superhero crushed his leg.
Few weeks later. He was sitting in a wheel-chair, in front of the TV. His leg had suffered multiple fractures, from the misadventure. The doctor had said he will walk, but with a limp. But before that, there will be an intense regimen of physiotherapy. He was bored. He bellowed
"Amma, amma, get me the remote"
His mother came from the kitchen.
"Ayyo, en thalaiezhuthu, yen da ippidi nachi edukire. Kaludhe padikattiyum paravale edhavadhu velai thedi polaichikuvanu bike vaangi kudutha, ippidi kale udachikitu vandhu en uyire edukire. inime bike thottu paru solren. Ippo nee TV paakati enna vandhuchan, indha, idhule inglisu vere"
He took the remote ignoring what his mother said, numbed by her countless tirades from the time he fell. He turned on the TV. He lifelessly changed channels and he paused for a while at HBO, "Batman begins" was on it. He heaved a wistful sigh and continued to change channels. He finally settled for "Adithya TV".
Superheroes aren't there, dude. So, don't try anything stuppid. Just go drink water, younger brother, drink some water. And don't take quotes seriously.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Perspective drawing for depth
The Old Man
He brooded for a while, staring at the newspaper, the old man. He was a painter. His paintings hung on the walls of every great museum of the world. These paintings left every beholder speechless, like they were caught in a time warp. No critic ever criticized his work, for every time they looked at his paintings, they got disposed in such a way that they started to believe that it's a sin to criticize them. They instead idolised the painter and worshiped him, they became his puppets. People of all types admired his paintings, the rich, the poor, the wise, the greedy, the lover of art, the not and what not. There was always a big multitude in front of his every painting. They would gaze at it in silence, there was something Godly about these paintings they thought. They thought, should his name die, it will die with the world. They called him 'God's painter'.
He brooded for a while, staring at the newspaper, the old man. His face was devoid of any sign of happiness, like it had long gone. He looked like he was wearied by life. He looked sad. They knew why, the people, the talkers, the blind lookers. The story had many versions. The story about his son. The son that was colour-blind. The son that was gone now. Some say that he ran away, ashamed to face the old man. Some say that he killed himself, ashamed to live. The most traveled version, the one that they preferred to believe, is that the old man killed his son. The son that couldn't paint.
He brooded for a while, staring at the news paper, the old man. The headline read "Have we found the rightful heir to the God's painter? - Young painter catches the public eye". The old man read the article below. He didn't look impressed. His face bore the same wearied look. The article spoke about a new-found talent that was making news in the country. It said that the young painter is the true heir of God's painter, for like the latter, he came from the ghetto too. It said, the best critics in the country find his paintings modern and yet flawless. It also said that 'God's painter', the old man had nothing to say about the young painter or his paintings, when questioned by the media. The young painter says that he is utterly hurt and disappointed that 'God's painter' had nothing to say about his paintings. He said, "Censure, i can handle, but not inattention". There was a picture of one of his paintings on the newspaper, the old man looked at it, he heaved a sigh and closed his eyes and relapsed into meditation.
The young painter
The young painter, whose paintings the critics acclaimed, was now the cynosure of all eyes and so were his paintings. He was all over the news. Riches came to him. The rich desired his paintings to be hung on the walls of their fashionable houses. They couldn't make head or tail out of his paintings but they were ready to pay anything for it and they did. They claimed that they could understand his paintings. They claimed that his paintings brought in peace and good fortune. They said, "These paintings are divine, straight from the heaven. The old man is too proud to embrace the vernal painter". 'Bloody phonies', thought the old man. But he said nothing, he never said much.
The young painter regarded the white canvas in front of him thoughtfully. He needed to paint, his masterpiece. He dropped the brush that he was holding, he is not going to need it for what he was going to do. He dowsed his hand in paint from a jar and sloshed the dripping hand on the canvas, producing a splodge and tiny spots of paint around it. He dipped his hand in a different jar and sloshed, another splodge. He needed more colors on the canvas, and he supplied. Now, he rubbed the sheet with his palm to smear the colors into one another. His strokes were crude, but crude is what makes a masterpiece he told himself. He daubed some more colors on what was to become the masterpiece.
Word spread that the young painter was painting his masterpiece. In no time, it brought in to the country, the art lovers, the rich and the critics in multitudes. They were eager to get a glimpse of the masterpiece. There were buyers already, that approached the young painter, offering a fortune for that painting. The painter dismissed them all. He said "The painting awaits glory, glory that will last for eternity. But glory, and glory it will be only when bestowed upon by the righteous person, the rightful person, the God's painter. And after that, the painting will be so precious that God couldn't afford it".
The grand gathering
The day arrived, the day on which the masterpiece will be unveiled. The hype had been built and the world was waiting, hoping to get a peek of this glamourous piece. There was a huge crowd in front of the gallery. The huge hall couldn't accommodate the crowd. The people did not mind, they waited outside patiently. They were content, just to witness the grandeur of the gathering. They were content, just to be a part of what will go on to become history. The streets and roads on the other parts of the country were empty. The shops were shut and so were the offices and the schools. The huge hall was occupied mainly by the rich and the ones that could afford it. And of course, there were the critics, in the front.
The painting was there, in the front, on a specially sculpted marble pedestal. The painting was hidden behind the drapery. The young painter was standing next to the painting. He looked elated, but he will wait. The crowd inside the huge hall was a little unsettled. They couldn't wait to see the painting. But, the young painter had to see the old man before he could unveil the painting. He waited patiently, he had all the time in the world. Suddenly, a rustle rippled across the audience. God's painter had come. Many whistled and hooted. He walked to the front. He looked at the young painter gravely and the young painter held his stare for a little, gravely too. The young painter offered the old man the switch to the drapery. They never spoke.
The crowd grew restless and the hoots grew louder. The old man turned to the crowd, he raised his hand gesturing them to calm down. The crowd obeyed. There was utter silence. The old man pushed the switch, the drape slid away to reveal the painting. The crowd witnessed it, there was utter quietness. They couldn't tell what they felt, they were still, unsure if they liked it. But their eyes were glued to the painting. The old man stared at it gravely. He stared for a while. The crowd was still, as though time stood still. The old man turned to the crowd. He still looked grave, the young painter gulped. The old man said
"This is art itself" he paused for it to sink in, and continued "This work of creativity could not have been done by any, other than the greatest." he held the hand of the young painter and hailed it and continued "This hand, is the hand of God. And this man here, the creator of the painting that's nothing short of a genius' work, is God himself" and he smiled at the crowd.
The crowd roared in applause and stood there applauding and cheering for what seemed like infinity. The young painter waved at the crowd triumphantly. The old man stood there smiling. He had to smile, he knew. And he turned to the young painter and the dude looked. They smiled at each other for a bit and the old man offered a hug, with his arms wide open, the old man embraced the painter. The painter held him tight, he was crying, he couldn't stop it and the old man whispered into his ears
"Son, you can never paint. But, what you have painted, and what you will paint, will be painted by every painter to come. Your name will die with the world"
"Thank you father" said the son, tears were rolling down his cheeks. "Thank you father!"
"Anything for my son" said the father.
He brooded for a while, staring at the newspaper, the old man. He was a painter. His paintings hung on the walls of every great museum of the world. These paintings left every beholder speechless, like they were caught in a time warp. No critic ever criticized his work, for every time they looked at his paintings, they got disposed in such a way that they started to believe that it's a sin to criticize them. They instead idolised the painter and worshiped him, they became his puppets. People of all types admired his paintings, the rich, the poor, the wise, the greedy, the lover of art, the not and what not. There was always a big multitude in front of his every painting. They would gaze at it in silence, there was something Godly about these paintings they thought. They thought, should his name die, it will die with the world. They called him 'God's painter'.
He brooded for a while, staring at the newspaper, the old man. His face was devoid of any sign of happiness, like it had long gone. He looked like he was wearied by life. He looked sad. They knew why, the people, the talkers, the blind lookers. The story had many versions. The story about his son. The son that was colour-blind. The son that was gone now. Some say that he ran away, ashamed to face the old man. Some say that he killed himself, ashamed to live. The most traveled version, the one that they preferred to believe, is that the old man killed his son. The son that couldn't paint.
He brooded for a while, staring at the news paper, the old man. The headline read "Have we found the rightful heir to the God's painter? - Young painter catches the public eye". The old man read the article below. He didn't look impressed. His face bore the same wearied look. The article spoke about a new-found talent that was making news in the country. It said that the young painter is the true heir of God's painter, for like the latter, he came from the ghetto too. It said, the best critics in the country find his paintings modern and yet flawless. It also said that 'God's painter', the old man had nothing to say about the young painter or his paintings, when questioned by the media. The young painter says that he is utterly hurt and disappointed that 'God's painter' had nothing to say about his paintings. He said, "Censure, i can handle, but not inattention". There was a picture of one of his paintings on the newspaper, the old man looked at it, he heaved a sigh and closed his eyes and relapsed into meditation.
The young painter
The young painter, whose paintings the critics acclaimed, was now the cynosure of all eyes and so were his paintings. He was all over the news. Riches came to him. The rich desired his paintings to be hung on the walls of their fashionable houses. They couldn't make head or tail out of his paintings but they were ready to pay anything for it and they did. They claimed that they could understand his paintings. They claimed that his paintings brought in peace and good fortune. They said, "These paintings are divine, straight from the heaven. The old man is too proud to embrace the vernal painter". 'Bloody phonies', thought the old man. But he said nothing, he never said much.
The young painter regarded the white canvas in front of him thoughtfully. He needed to paint, his masterpiece. He dropped the brush that he was holding, he is not going to need it for what he was going to do. He dowsed his hand in paint from a jar and sloshed the dripping hand on the canvas, producing a splodge and tiny spots of paint around it. He dipped his hand in a different jar and sloshed, another splodge. He needed more colors on the canvas, and he supplied. Now, he rubbed the sheet with his palm to smear the colors into one another. His strokes were crude, but crude is what makes a masterpiece he told himself. He daubed some more colors on what was to become the masterpiece.
Word spread that the young painter was painting his masterpiece. In no time, it brought in to the country, the art lovers, the rich and the critics in multitudes. They were eager to get a glimpse of the masterpiece. There were buyers already, that approached the young painter, offering a fortune for that painting. The painter dismissed them all. He said "The painting awaits glory, glory that will last for eternity. But glory, and glory it will be only when bestowed upon by the righteous person, the rightful person, the God's painter. And after that, the painting will be so precious that God couldn't afford it".
The grand gathering
The day arrived, the day on which the masterpiece will be unveiled. The hype had been built and the world was waiting, hoping to get a peek of this glamourous piece. There was a huge crowd in front of the gallery. The huge hall couldn't accommodate the crowd. The people did not mind, they waited outside patiently. They were content, just to witness the grandeur of the gathering. They were content, just to be a part of what will go on to become history. The streets and roads on the other parts of the country were empty. The shops were shut and so were the offices and the schools. The huge hall was occupied mainly by the rich and the ones that could afford it. And of course, there were the critics, in the front.
The painting was there, in the front, on a specially sculpted marble pedestal. The painting was hidden behind the drapery. The young painter was standing next to the painting. He looked elated, but he will wait. The crowd inside the huge hall was a little unsettled. They couldn't wait to see the painting. But, the young painter had to see the old man before he could unveil the painting. He waited patiently, he had all the time in the world. Suddenly, a rustle rippled across the audience. God's painter had come. Many whistled and hooted. He walked to the front. He looked at the young painter gravely and the young painter held his stare for a little, gravely too. The young painter offered the old man the switch to the drapery. They never spoke.
The crowd grew restless and the hoots grew louder. The old man turned to the crowd, he raised his hand gesturing them to calm down. The crowd obeyed. There was utter silence. The old man pushed the switch, the drape slid away to reveal the painting. The crowd witnessed it, there was utter quietness. They couldn't tell what they felt, they were still, unsure if they liked it. But their eyes were glued to the painting. The old man stared at it gravely. He stared for a while. The crowd was still, as though time stood still. The old man turned to the crowd. He still looked grave, the young painter gulped. The old man said
"This is art itself" he paused for it to sink in, and continued "This work of creativity could not have been done by any, other than the greatest." he held the hand of the young painter and hailed it and continued "This hand, is the hand of God. And this man here, the creator of the painting that's nothing short of a genius' work, is God himself" and he smiled at the crowd.
The crowd roared in applause and stood there applauding and cheering for what seemed like infinity. The young painter waved at the crowd triumphantly. The old man stood there smiling. He had to smile, he knew. And he turned to the young painter and the dude looked. They smiled at each other for a bit and the old man offered a hug, with his arms wide open, the old man embraced the painter. The painter held him tight, he was crying, he couldn't stop it and the old man whispered into his ears
"Son, you can never paint. But, what you have painted, and what you will paint, will be painted by every painter to come. Your name will die with the world"
"Thank you father" said the son, tears were rolling down his cheeks. "Thank you father!"
"Anything for my son" said the father.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The always useful pouch
He brooded for a while after the phone call, it was a blow, like a disappointment that you fear is likely to come, yet there's little hope, and it comes anyway. He was a writer. He didn't make a big living out of it, but he survived. He used to write under the pen-name 'the freeman' for a weekly magazine but that was shut down owing to insufficient turnover. So, now he wanted to publish his works, and had met with umpteen publishers and all turned him down. There was this one guy from a certain publishing house that seemed a trifle interested, but now the news from the phone call is that he couldn't convince the board to approve it and that he was sorry.
He felt numb, he was too disappointed to feel disappointed. He had crossed the point to feel sad or angry or hurt. All that he felt now was emptiness. He used to be a believer, a lover of life and he always believed that no good or bad lasts forever and that change will always come. This thought drove him to enjoy both joy and sorrow, which in turn made him write. He wrote about poverty mainly, about the strength and determination of the poor and how they strive to live, pushing through the obstacles of life and yet how they also find happiness in their way, and how when they look back in retrospect feel the completeness of a life thoroughly lived. He now had nothing to believe in and there seemed no hope or it seemed too far away, out of sight, the phone call came as the last straw. He could have broken down into tears for a word of comfort or sympathy from someone but there was no one for him. He could have cried just to feel better but instead he decided to die.
He decided that, not because he was a coward or because he's given up, he felt that he had nothing to give up, he felt, an obstacle or a problem he can overcome but not the nothingness. He planned to take sleeping pills, one by one, leaving a gap between each, so that he could first fall asleep and die in his sleep, without feeling any pain. So, he kept the pills ready in front of him, he felt no fear or agitation at the thought of dying. He swallowed a pill and waited for it to take effect. He waited patiently, he felt no signs of drowsiness after he waited for about half hour and he took another pill. He still waited when the door bell rang. He answered it, it was a sales guy peddling dictionaries and encyclopedias. He usually never entertained any sales guy, but today was a little unusual as he was going to die. So he let him in, talking with him might put him to sleep, he thought.
"Hallo sir, how are you today?"
"Well, i was about to die"
"Ha ha, funny. Now sir, what i got here are some of the most useful books ever published, and good ones like these are hard to come by at the shops and even if you do the prices are way too high, but that's alright sir because today is your lucky day as there's a huge discount on the already humble price and on every single book it is"
"How much for the encyclopedia?" the writer said
"Well sir, i invite you to have a look first because .."
"How much?" the writer interrupted tersely
"500 rupees sir"
"And the dictionary?"
"300, sir, for the big one and there are small ones too"
"I'll buy two in each, the encyclopedia and the dictionary, the big ones"
"Very good sir, it's a very neat idea to gift these to a friend sir"
"Just leave them on the table, I'll go bring the money" he disappeared into a room. He went to get the last of the little money he had saved in the past. He is not going to need them where he's going to go. When he came back the sales guy was curiously looking into the bookshelf and the writer said
"Here's your money, you can leave now"
The sales boy seemed absorbed into the bookshelf and the writer said
"Your money's here"
The boy turned and said "Yes, of course sir, nice books you have got there sir, and of course a collection of 'The Peasant', you must have been a subscriber"
"No, i used to get those copies for free, i used to write for it"
"Oh, interesting, what did you write sir? It's a shame though they had to close down, i was a fan and it still kills me to think that i couldn't read the end of 'Heaven is here', what a tale?, you've ever read it sir?"
"No, not really, but i wrote it"
"You got to be kidding sir, you didn't write it?" said the boy in disbelief
"I'm afraid i did"
"You couldn't possibly be 'The freeman', he must be a lot richer than you are"
"Well, i don't know what to say to that, but i happen to be 'the freeman' when i write" the writer said
"That's the biggest surprise I've ever known, it's a privilege to be talking to you sir. You don't happen to have the last episodes of 'Heaven is here' by any chance do you?" he said looking excited
"Well, i do I'm afraid, I've got the manuscript, not very legible though" he pulled out a bunch of papers from the shelf and said "You can go through it if you like, here and do take a seat"
"That's an honour Mr. Freeman, thank you, this turns out to be my jackpot day" saying that he sat down and started reading it. The writer waited patiently for the guy to finish it. The boy looked engrossed in the story. He didn't blink an eye before he read the end of the story. He then looked up at the writer looking ecstatic like his dream had come true and said
"So the depression ends, What a fabulous ending, couldn't have been any better, it was terrific sir"
"Thank you, i'm glad you liked it" said the writer and he meant it
Then, the guy told about himself, he was a student and his salesman job was part-time. It turns out he was a small time writer, and he'd written essays and short stories for his college magazine. They spoke for a while about themselves and the rest. Then the boy realized he had to go and said
"I guess i should go now sir, a lot more houses to do before i can head home"
"yes, yes, of course" said the writer
"So will that be all sir? 2 copies of each"
"Ah, well, let me think now, i won't need any to tell the truth but i'll buy one copy each though" said the writer with a smile
"Whatever you like sir"
The boy bid farewell to the writer after thanking him and all that. The boy paused for a moment at the door and turned to the writer and said
"Would you like to get a drink this weekend sir, it will be on me. I figure that's the least i could do, you see"
The writer thought for a second and said "yes, of course, why not"
And later that night the writer slept really well.
He felt numb, he was too disappointed to feel disappointed. He had crossed the point to feel sad or angry or hurt. All that he felt now was emptiness. He used to be a believer, a lover of life and he always believed that no good or bad lasts forever and that change will always come. This thought drove him to enjoy both joy and sorrow, which in turn made him write. He wrote about poverty mainly, about the strength and determination of the poor and how they strive to live, pushing through the obstacles of life and yet how they also find happiness in their way, and how when they look back in retrospect feel the completeness of a life thoroughly lived. He now had nothing to believe in and there seemed no hope or it seemed too far away, out of sight, the phone call came as the last straw. He could have broken down into tears for a word of comfort or sympathy from someone but there was no one for him. He could have cried just to feel better but instead he decided to die.
He decided that, not because he was a coward or because he's given up, he felt that he had nothing to give up, he felt, an obstacle or a problem he can overcome but not the nothingness. He planned to take sleeping pills, one by one, leaving a gap between each, so that he could first fall asleep and die in his sleep, without feeling any pain. So, he kept the pills ready in front of him, he felt no fear or agitation at the thought of dying. He swallowed a pill and waited for it to take effect. He waited patiently, he felt no signs of drowsiness after he waited for about half hour and he took another pill. He still waited when the door bell rang. He answered it, it was a sales guy peddling dictionaries and encyclopedias. He usually never entertained any sales guy, but today was a little unusual as he was going to die. So he let him in, talking with him might put him to sleep, he thought.
"Hallo sir, how are you today?"
"Well, i was about to die"
"Ha ha, funny. Now sir, what i got here are some of the most useful books ever published, and good ones like these are hard to come by at the shops and even if you do the prices are way too high, but that's alright sir because today is your lucky day as there's a huge discount on the already humble price and on every single book it is"
"How much for the encyclopedia?" the writer said
"Well sir, i invite you to have a look first because .."
"How much?" the writer interrupted tersely
"500 rupees sir"
"And the dictionary?"
"300, sir, for the big one and there are small ones too"
"I'll buy two in each, the encyclopedia and the dictionary, the big ones"
"Very good sir, it's a very neat idea to gift these to a friend sir"
"Just leave them on the table, I'll go bring the money" he disappeared into a room. He went to get the last of the little money he had saved in the past. He is not going to need them where he's going to go. When he came back the sales guy was curiously looking into the bookshelf and the writer said
"Here's your money, you can leave now"
The sales boy seemed absorbed into the bookshelf and the writer said
"Your money's here"
The boy turned and said "Yes, of course sir, nice books you have got there sir, and of course a collection of 'The Peasant', you must have been a subscriber"
"No, i used to get those copies for free, i used to write for it"
"Oh, interesting, what did you write sir? It's a shame though they had to close down, i was a fan and it still kills me to think that i couldn't read the end of 'Heaven is here', what a tale?, you've ever read it sir?"
"No, not really, but i wrote it"
"You got to be kidding sir, you didn't write it?" said the boy in disbelief
"I'm afraid i did"
"You couldn't possibly be 'The freeman', he must be a lot richer than you are"
"Well, i don't know what to say to that, but i happen to be 'the freeman' when i write" the writer said
"That's the biggest surprise I've ever known, it's a privilege to be talking to you sir. You don't happen to have the last episodes of 'Heaven is here' by any chance do you?" he said looking excited
"Well, i do I'm afraid, I've got the manuscript, not very legible though" he pulled out a bunch of papers from the shelf and said "You can go through it if you like, here and do take a seat"
"That's an honour Mr. Freeman, thank you, this turns out to be my jackpot day" saying that he sat down and started reading it. The writer waited patiently for the guy to finish it. The boy looked engrossed in the story. He didn't blink an eye before he read the end of the story. He then looked up at the writer looking ecstatic like his dream had come true and said
"So the depression ends, What a fabulous ending, couldn't have been any better, it was terrific sir"
"Thank you, i'm glad you liked it" said the writer and he meant it
Then, the guy told about himself, he was a student and his salesman job was part-time. It turns out he was a small time writer, and he'd written essays and short stories for his college magazine. They spoke for a while about themselves and the rest. Then the boy realized he had to go and said
"I guess i should go now sir, a lot more houses to do before i can head home"
"yes, yes, of course" said the writer
"So will that be all sir? 2 copies of each"
"Ah, well, let me think now, i won't need any to tell the truth but i'll buy one copy each though" said the writer with a smile
"Whatever you like sir"
The boy bid farewell to the writer after thanking him and all that. The boy paused for a moment at the door and turned to the writer and said
"Would you like to get a drink this weekend sir, it will be on me. I figure that's the least i could do, you see"
The writer thought for a second and said "yes, of course, why not"
And later that night the writer slept really well.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Shuffle all
It was a dull night or so it seemed, it could have been otherwise also but that's got no relevance to what I'm about to narrate, so it doesn't really matter. The events that transpired that night were of great significance in my life. That night was when i got to drive a car on proper roads in the middle of some traffic after I'd got my real driver's license. The drive was so exhilarating that i wouldn't forget for a lifetime. It was by chance that i got to drive that night.
Earlier that day came the exam results, I'd failed in quite a few subjects and passed in a few too, which was about what I'd expected so that didn't worry me much. A friend had failed in all so i wasn't the kid that studied the least, not like that made me feel better but just so i give a proper picture. A friend had passed all subjects, and there were friends of other types too, so we were a mixed bunch as far as results were concerned. The results this time around had a different vibe, for this was our final semester and officially college was over for us, of course we were going to stick around a little longer until we cleared all our pending papers, yet there was a sense of sadness. I felt it a little stronger than the others or so i thought because i was in love. This girl of my heart, to my regret, had passed all subjects, so typical. Her name was Narmada, she was a nice girl, a good dancer and very popular, especially with the guys. She was probably the girl of many hearts and there were probably sadder souls that day. But that didn't dampen my spirits because she wasn't easy and i was popular too, with the girls especially, i was a 'hunk' and i played football and was good at it too. And girls simply dug guys like me.
I always was under the impression that i could get any girl that i wanted but that was once damaged a little. It was about a year ago, i decided to tell her that i liked her. Then i barely knew her, yet i walked to her, she was with a bunch of other girls and most of them looked at me, except her, so i had to call her by her name and she turned sipping coffee from the cup, and man, she was a looker.
"yes" she said
I was afraid that i might get nervous and this in turn made me nervous, though this was triggered by a different stimulus, it felt the same and what it made me was about the same too and it kept building.
"Can i speak to you alone for a second" i said with some difficulty
"what about?"
"It's kinda personal and I'm a bit conscious with your friends around you see"
"OK, gimme a second" she said and turned to her friends and said something i couldn't hear and came to me and she did it so neatly. We walked away from her friends and as i was contemplating ways to tell her, she said
"You're not gonna propose, are you?"
I got a heart attack. I felt faint, i wished i was not there, i wished i could disappear. I gulped a bit and said
"No, no of course not, why would i do that, i mean, what are you talking about" i said trying to look confused and looking like i needed to take a piss
"That's a relief, cos guys typically do that, you see. I used to like that at first, it was fun but now i'm sick of it, it's kinda boring too"
"Really, that's crazy, I'm surprised, do they what, just walk to you and propose"
"Sure, many do that and some try to chat me up and all that, some try to be friends with me. But all ending up at the same spot"
"Crazy, funny the things guys can do for girls"
"Funny in a way yes, but also annoying sometimes. And what is it that you wanted to say?"
"oh that, yes, i almost forgot, ah, and now i don't seem to remember. what was it? You have any idea? I mean what could it be, i have such a bad memory, i'm sorry" i spluttered.
"What?"
"That's right, what? Yes, of course i know now, how can i forget, dance, that's right, i wanted to learn dance and wasn't sure how to go about it, there, you see?" i said, a little relieved that came just in time.
She thought for a bit and said "Oh, you're looking for a dance tutor? Ok, i don't go for classes you see, and i don't really know anyone that can teach"
"Oh i see, alright, that's alright, i'm mean it's ok, absolutely, not like i was very keen anyway, just a thought, that's all, and now looking at you i've changed my mind, i mean, you're so thin just like how a dancer should be and that long hair, i mean it looks great on you when you dance, i mean it's all perfect for you. I mean it's totally alright with me, i'm fine, and thank you, thank you very much. i guess football is more my speed." i said stupidly.
"oh, ok. Whatever you say" she said looking amused.
"Ok, thanks a lot, i'll see you, bye" i said
"Ok, bye" she said and walked away. I stood there for a moment feeling utterly stupid. So, since then i'd developed a huge feeling for Narmada and was totally smitten by her, lovelorn and all that.
So i worshiped her for the next whole year. I would go to every cultural show that she danced in. I would get those DVDs if possible and watch her dance. I would listen to the songs that she danced to, even try to memorize them. I'd even watched some random people dance only because they were dancing to the songs that Narmada once danced to. I would call her in the evening just to hear her speak until she hung up. The bottom line is i did every crazy thing that a guy in love would do.
I would wait for her to come, in the canteen, and buy the same stuff she bought. I would gaze at her throughout the time she ate. I would look away if she looked, sometimes i'd continue to stare, and she'd look away. I'd wait for her in the corridor outside her class just before it ended, and when she came i'd stare. At first, she used to smile at me and i'd smile too, sheepishly, but sensing the habit she stopped smiling and she started avoiding me quite evidently or sometimes she would stare back coldly which i found very endearing and i would stare still colder. Sometimes she would get in the middle of the bunch that comes out first and slide away chatting with a friend. Nothing mattered to me as long as i saw her everyday and i was happy living that way.
I could have easily been in talking terms with her after the first time i spoke with her and i might have even got her to like me and all that but i never found that very romantic, also i'd never do that after what she'd said about guys that do that. I liked the coldness that had developed between us, i found it very attractive and there was something wild about it, something that turned me on. I was hoping she felt the same way. Towards the end of the year i kept getting this funny feeling that she felt the same way too. And this feeling grew stronger, nothing obvious from the way she behaved but there were certain subtleties that i couldn't describe or clearly sense.
As my final days in college were counting down i started getting a little restless. Often i'd decided that it was time i told her but i could never tell her. There was something about her that scared me a bit, her calm demeanor, her composure or maybe her ego, now i was getting scared of everything about her that i used to like about her. Perhaps, i was scared of failure, failure i couldn't bear i knew. As days went, fear was replaced by despair, and there were times when i'd lost hope too.
So, after exams, exams that i did terribly, i thought about everything and i kept wondering what might've happened had i told her earlier, i'd keep picturing different possibilities in my head. Running the same version over and over, running a different version, losing sleep, sleeping half awake and all that. But, one thing i kept telling myself everyday, that was a decision i made, i decided to tell her on the day of results no matter what.
So, after checking the results. I waited in the corridor from the lobby where the results were published, i waited for a while. A little later at the other end of the corridor i could see Narmada and her friends coming, i stood straight feeling nervous and desperate. As they came closer, their conversations sounded hushed and giggly, i fixed my gaze on Narmada, prepared to meet the familiar cold stare. But this time she didn't look at me, she looked flustered and for a second i thought she was blushing. I gulped and allowed my gaze to follow her. At about the end of the corridor she slid away from her friends and laid her bag on the ledge and scribbled something on a piece of paper, left it there and walked away after glancing at me. I ran there and grabbed the note, it read
"Meet me here the same time tomorrow."
I couldn't stop smiling, i was grinning from ear to ear like a looney. I merrily trotted to my friends and flaunted that note and all that. They teased me for a bit and that's it, because they were a little excited about that night's booze meet, being the last day and all that. Even otherwise we'd drink because we had nothing else to do. I was at the top of the world since i got that note which was all the more reason to drink. That night seemed to promise a lot of fun, we had a car, the money we'd pooled was ample, not to mention the girls that'd show up at the fashionable pub we were going to goto, reputed for that type of crowd.
A friend managed to bring the car that he'd promised he'd. So i and my friends squeezed into the car and drove away. The pub was neat in my opinion, truly up to it's reputation, holding a tidy crowd with the prettiest and the dumbest girls in the city. We got drunk slowly, talking of this and that. The music was great and loud, we had to shout at the top of our voices if we had something to say, and everyone had something to say every second, so we all were shouting at one another, a deaf beholder might think we were fighting, from the look on our faces. It was almost midnight when we came out of the pub. We were drunk like hell that it felt like we were filled with alcohol head to toe. My friend said he was too drunk to drive. He wanted me to drive, i was too drunk too, but i wanted to drive, it's the type of feeling that one gets right after getting a driver's license, that blunts ones senses. So i took the drivers seat, and drove. The vehicle was a lot better than the one in which i'd learned to drive, this was much easier to maneuver and everything was smooth. I drove for a while, neatly overtaking the few vehicles there were. A little later the road was empty and i revved all the way up to the top, everything that went past us seemed so surreal, my friends were cheering me and i could sense the alcohol weighing down my head. I reminded myself to maintain steady and i did. Just as i turned to the left at the end of that road, four or more cops came out of nowhere to block the car. A friend shouted
"Don't stop, keep going, keep going"
So i abruptly slid to the extreme right of the road and revved, to go past all the policemen. I sped along crazily and to my horror i could see a cop chasing behind on a bike. I revved still, it felt like the whole world was whirling into my head. I heard a friend laugh out loud "Ha Ha Ha", he kept laughing hysterically or so it seemed. I heard the sound of siren from the cop's bike, the sound grew louder and louder, it felt like a thousand cops were chasing from every direction. The laughing grew louder too, it was like a crazy dream. Suddenly, the sounds attenuated like i'd gone deaf. The laughing seemed to fade inside my head, the sound of the siren seemed to fade inside. The streetlights seemed like they were blinding my vision, or it wasn't the streetlights, it was probably another car from the opposite direction. I tried to adjust my vision, i could see that the road was turning to the right into the bridge, i wasn't sure if the speed was ok to turn but i had no option and i turned the wheel all the way to the right and the car did remarkably well and turned, but apparently the left tire hit the curb on the left and the car was airborne for a bit until the rear-wheels hit the bridge wall and the bottom of the car hit the outside of the bridge wall with a bang and the car was plummeting down like a jet, everything around us seemed like a dream and i still heard my friend laughing "Ha ha ha", i for a moment thought it was some kind of a really funny joke or maybe a crazy dream. Suddenly the car hit the ground with a huge thud and i........
And he died. So, don't drink and drive. Funny? No?
Earlier that day came the exam results, I'd failed in quite a few subjects and passed in a few too, which was about what I'd expected so that didn't worry me much. A friend had failed in all so i wasn't the kid that studied the least, not like that made me feel better but just so i give a proper picture. A friend had passed all subjects, and there were friends of other types too, so we were a mixed bunch as far as results were concerned. The results this time around had a different vibe, for this was our final semester and officially college was over for us, of course we were going to stick around a little longer until we cleared all our pending papers, yet there was a sense of sadness. I felt it a little stronger than the others or so i thought because i was in love. This girl of my heart, to my regret, had passed all subjects, so typical. Her name was Narmada, she was a nice girl, a good dancer and very popular, especially with the guys. She was probably the girl of many hearts and there were probably sadder souls that day. But that didn't dampen my spirits because she wasn't easy and i was popular too, with the girls especially, i was a 'hunk' and i played football and was good at it too. And girls simply dug guys like me.
I always was under the impression that i could get any girl that i wanted but that was once damaged a little. It was about a year ago, i decided to tell her that i liked her. Then i barely knew her, yet i walked to her, she was with a bunch of other girls and most of them looked at me, except her, so i had to call her by her name and she turned sipping coffee from the cup, and man, she was a looker.
"yes" she said
I was afraid that i might get nervous and this in turn made me nervous, though this was triggered by a different stimulus, it felt the same and what it made me was about the same too and it kept building.
"Can i speak to you alone for a second" i said with some difficulty
"what about?"
"It's kinda personal and I'm a bit conscious with your friends around you see"
"OK, gimme a second" she said and turned to her friends and said something i couldn't hear and came to me and she did it so neatly. We walked away from her friends and as i was contemplating ways to tell her, she said
"You're not gonna propose, are you?"
I got a heart attack. I felt faint, i wished i was not there, i wished i could disappear. I gulped a bit and said
"No, no of course not, why would i do that, i mean, what are you talking about" i said trying to look confused and looking like i needed to take a piss
"That's a relief, cos guys typically do that, you see. I used to like that at first, it was fun but now i'm sick of it, it's kinda boring too"
"Really, that's crazy, I'm surprised, do they what, just walk to you and propose"
"Sure, many do that and some try to chat me up and all that, some try to be friends with me. But all ending up at the same spot"
"Crazy, funny the things guys can do for girls"
"Funny in a way yes, but also annoying sometimes. And what is it that you wanted to say?"
"oh that, yes, i almost forgot, ah, and now i don't seem to remember. what was it? You have any idea? I mean what could it be, i have such a bad memory, i'm sorry" i spluttered.
"What?"
"That's right, what? Yes, of course i know now, how can i forget, dance, that's right, i wanted to learn dance and wasn't sure how to go about it, there, you see?" i said, a little relieved that came just in time.
She thought for a bit and said "Oh, you're looking for a dance tutor? Ok, i don't go for classes you see, and i don't really know anyone that can teach"
"Oh i see, alright, that's alright, i'm mean it's ok, absolutely, not like i was very keen anyway, just a thought, that's all, and now looking at you i've changed my mind, i mean, you're so thin just like how a dancer should be and that long hair, i mean it looks great on you when you dance, i mean it's all perfect for you. I mean it's totally alright with me, i'm fine, and thank you, thank you very much. i guess football is more my speed." i said stupidly.
"oh, ok. Whatever you say" she said looking amused.
"Ok, thanks a lot, i'll see you, bye" i said
"Ok, bye" she said and walked away. I stood there for a moment feeling utterly stupid. So, since then i'd developed a huge feeling for Narmada and was totally smitten by her, lovelorn and all that.
So i worshiped her for the next whole year. I would go to every cultural show that she danced in. I would get those DVDs if possible and watch her dance. I would listen to the songs that she danced to, even try to memorize them. I'd even watched some random people dance only because they were dancing to the songs that Narmada once danced to. I would call her in the evening just to hear her speak until she hung up. The bottom line is i did every crazy thing that a guy in love would do.
I would wait for her to come, in the canteen, and buy the same stuff she bought. I would gaze at her throughout the time she ate. I would look away if she looked, sometimes i'd continue to stare, and she'd look away. I'd wait for her in the corridor outside her class just before it ended, and when she came i'd stare. At first, she used to smile at me and i'd smile too, sheepishly, but sensing the habit she stopped smiling and she started avoiding me quite evidently or sometimes she would stare back coldly which i found very endearing and i would stare still colder. Sometimes she would get in the middle of the bunch that comes out first and slide away chatting with a friend. Nothing mattered to me as long as i saw her everyday and i was happy living that way.
I could have easily been in talking terms with her after the first time i spoke with her and i might have even got her to like me and all that but i never found that very romantic, also i'd never do that after what she'd said about guys that do that. I liked the coldness that had developed between us, i found it very attractive and there was something wild about it, something that turned me on. I was hoping she felt the same way. Towards the end of the year i kept getting this funny feeling that she felt the same way too. And this feeling grew stronger, nothing obvious from the way she behaved but there were certain subtleties that i couldn't describe or clearly sense.
As my final days in college were counting down i started getting a little restless. Often i'd decided that it was time i told her but i could never tell her. There was something about her that scared me a bit, her calm demeanor, her composure or maybe her ego, now i was getting scared of everything about her that i used to like about her. Perhaps, i was scared of failure, failure i couldn't bear i knew. As days went, fear was replaced by despair, and there were times when i'd lost hope too.
So, after exams, exams that i did terribly, i thought about everything and i kept wondering what might've happened had i told her earlier, i'd keep picturing different possibilities in my head. Running the same version over and over, running a different version, losing sleep, sleeping half awake and all that. But, one thing i kept telling myself everyday, that was a decision i made, i decided to tell her on the day of results no matter what.
So, after checking the results. I waited in the corridor from the lobby where the results were published, i waited for a while. A little later at the other end of the corridor i could see Narmada and her friends coming, i stood straight feeling nervous and desperate. As they came closer, their conversations sounded hushed and giggly, i fixed my gaze on Narmada, prepared to meet the familiar cold stare. But this time she didn't look at me, she looked flustered and for a second i thought she was blushing. I gulped and allowed my gaze to follow her. At about the end of the corridor she slid away from her friends and laid her bag on the ledge and scribbled something on a piece of paper, left it there and walked away after glancing at me. I ran there and grabbed the note, it read
"Meet me here the same time tomorrow."
I couldn't stop smiling, i was grinning from ear to ear like a looney. I merrily trotted to my friends and flaunted that note and all that. They teased me for a bit and that's it, because they were a little excited about that night's booze meet, being the last day and all that. Even otherwise we'd drink because we had nothing else to do. I was at the top of the world since i got that note which was all the more reason to drink. That night seemed to promise a lot of fun, we had a car, the money we'd pooled was ample, not to mention the girls that'd show up at the fashionable pub we were going to goto, reputed for that type of crowd.
A friend managed to bring the car that he'd promised he'd. So i and my friends squeezed into the car and drove away. The pub was neat in my opinion, truly up to it's reputation, holding a tidy crowd with the prettiest and the dumbest girls in the city. We got drunk slowly, talking of this and that. The music was great and loud, we had to shout at the top of our voices if we had something to say, and everyone had something to say every second, so we all were shouting at one another, a deaf beholder might think we were fighting, from the look on our faces. It was almost midnight when we came out of the pub. We were drunk like hell that it felt like we were filled with alcohol head to toe. My friend said he was too drunk to drive. He wanted me to drive, i was too drunk too, but i wanted to drive, it's the type of feeling that one gets right after getting a driver's license, that blunts ones senses. So i took the drivers seat, and drove. The vehicle was a lot better than the one in which i'd learned to drive, this was much easier to maneuver and everything was smooth. I drove for a while, neatly overtaking the few vehicles there were. A little later the road was empty and i revved all the way up to the top, everything that went past us seemed so surreal, my friends were cheering me and i could sense the alcohol weighing down my head. I reminded myself to maintain steady and i did. Just as i turned to the left at the end of that road, four or more cops came out of nowhere to block the car. A friend shouted
"Don't stop, keep going, keep going"
So i abruptly slid to the extreme right of the road and revved, to go past all the policemen. I sped along crazily and to my horror i could see a cop chasing behind on a bike. I revved still, it felt like the whole world was whirling into my head. I heard a friend laugh out loud "Ha Ha Ha", he kept laughing hysterically or so it seemed. I heard the sound of siren from the cop's bike, the sound grew louder and louder, it felt like a thousand cops were chasing from every direction. The laughing grew louder too, it was like a crazy dream. Suddenly, the sounds attenuated like i'd gone deaf. The laughing seemed to fade inside my head, the sound of the siren seemed to fade inside. The streetlights seemed like they were blinding my vision, or it wasn't the streetlights, it was probably another car from the opposite direction. I tried to adjust my vision, i could see that the road was turning to the right into the bridge, i wasn't sure if the speed was ok to turn but i had no option and i turned the wheel all the way to the right and the car did remarkably well and turned, but apparently the left tire hit the curb on the left and the car was airborne for a bit until the rear-wheels hit the bridge wall and the bottom of the car hit the outside of the bridge wall with a bang and the car was plummeting down like a jet, everything around us seemed like a dream and i still heard my friend laughing "Ha ha ha", i for a moment thought it was some kind of a really funny joke or maybe a crazy dream. Suddenly the car hit the ground with a huge thud and i........
And he died. So, don't drink and drive. Funny? No?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
deux amis
chapter 1
there are many lonely people around, we just don't know that they are lonely. for example, I'm lonely and nobody thinks I'm lonely. i never felt like this until i was in high school. i would attribute my loneliness to the absence of a girlfriend or at least i thought so. many think so. in school, we talked about girls in a subtle and shy way. we got teased for having obsessions and all. in college almost everyone was ready to admit their obsession. i thought we were becoming desperate. i was becoming desperate. when ever we talked, we talked about girls and everywhere we went we looked for girls. as everything went by, some guys got lucky and got girls, presumably girls were looking for guys too, i don't know. overwhelming insecurity binds. my overwhelming insecurity never bound me anywhere, only got me terribly desperate that my tongue hung invariably. until one day i found priya, that name kept resounding in my head. i even suggested
"'priya', isn't that an amazing name. can you think of a name better than that?"
"lavanya"
"who is lavanya?"
"i don't know. i just thought that was a good name. I'd like lavanya for a wife."
"who is lavanya?"
"i don't know. i just like the name, i told you."
"you'd marry a girl for her name? what if she's ugly?"
"i don't think so, lavanyas are usually not ugly. i used to know a lavanya from junior school, she was very pretty "
"i don't know, but i like priya better, fewer syllables. And moreover someone would actually talk when i call that name."
"oh really. what happened to the girl you saw at the french class?"
"oh her. she's totally out of my league. i once actually mustered up all the courage in me and went up to her and asked her name and she said 'why' and that's it, just why. don't you love it when people manage to handle such situations with just a word. i mean imagine the kinda pressure you're under when a girl approaches you, i thought it's the same for girls too. anyway i kinda liked the way she said that"
"and what did you say?"
"what do you expect me to say, i can't tell her that i really liked her and would like to be in a relationship with her. anyway, i couldn't have said that even if I'd wanted to, i was very nervous. i just walked away with a "forget about it" nod, anyway she seemed totally out of my league so forget about it anyway"
"ha ha, that must have been embarrassing.. i can't even imagine you doing that."
"yeah, it was.. but embarrassment i can handle if i knew i was gonna get the girl, that's the trouble, you never know if you stood a chance"
"i know, but trust me man. you don't stand a chance at all, not with any girl, you just need to wait for your parents to find you one."
"what do you mean i don't stand a chance i already got priya"
"you haven't got priya. you've been messaging for what like 5 days?, that's not got her"
"maybe i haven't got her but that's something anyway. what about you, you got nothing and yet you speak like you're a babe magnet"
"course I'm, i just never tried. i could get any girl i want, I'm just not into it"
just then a girl was going across to the canteen, looking at her i said to Sid
"oh really. how about that one there, she's not bad, you can get her?"
"sure, she's easy"
"oh really, why don't you prove it"
"oh really, alright, you just wait here and watch me work. you gotta watch and learn, from the god"
he went up to her and said something and she smiled and walked away. and he came back
"there you go, you saw that?"
"yes, and if that's charming women then i might have done that a hundred or more times without even noticing. that was not even a conversation and she's gone already"
"what are you talking about, she smiled and she sure liked me. i asked her if i stood a chance with her and she smiled, did you not see that"
"that could have meant anything, she could have thought how ridiculous you were"
"alright if that's not enough, you need to wait. she's gonna have to come this way from the canteen, I'll prove it to you then"
"alright i can wait. just don't get into trouble"
that girl was coming out of the canteen
"OK there she comes, i bet she's gonna look at me, watch closely"
"she might look but that doesn't prove anything dummy"
"just watch loser"
the girl was passing by us and as she walked, surprisingly, she did turn to look at him and she smiled too
"now, what do you think about that, you got something to say?"
"alright brad pitt, you win"
"you only need to give them something they'd like, after all they are all humans too. You gotta amuse them or surprise them or at least buy them food if you're not very bright. guys imagine girls always expect a lot from guys which is so not true and which is why guys never get the courage to approach them and strike a decent conversation which i believe is more than sufficient to start with for any normal girl. for instance, the girl from your french class, you quit on her even before you could speak with her properly, that's exactly what I'm talking about"
"there was a reason i could not speak then, i was damn nervous cos she seemed totally out of my league"
"she might be out of your league but she is definitely of your kind"
"oh really, and what kind is that"
"the human kind, you dummy. come on dude haven't you seen the prettiest girls with the ugliest guys. and every time you see them you're struck with disbelief and jealousy, which is totally pointless, cos that's never gonna make you learn from them. they are like our gods and we need to acknowledge the fact that they got something that we haven't, we need to respect them and be inspired by them"
"what's your point dude"
"the point is that it's not that hard to get a girl like you make it out to be"
"i never said it's hard generally, i just don't have what it takes to get a girl"
"that's bullshit. you're pretty cool in my opinion but you are also such a chicken when it comes to girls. you're too scared of what might happen, you imagine a lot and you let that scare you, you're never ready to take a chance and eventually you settle for some everyday girl just cos her name's got fewer syllables. you are a typical loser"
"what are you talking about. i will never settle for an ordinary girl and you don't know about priya just yet, we've just started messaging and i doubt if she's even got the slightest clue that i might be talking this with one of my friends"
"course she knows unless she's totally dumb. are you telling me that she might be looking for some sort of a divine friendship that transcends all emotions and crap like that"
"maybe she knows or whatever, that's not the point. what are you saying i should do? if you think I'm a chicken then is there a way for me to not be a chicken, cos if there is then it's about time you said it"
"I'm saying that you need to be passionate about it, you need to at least give them a chance to like you. Just staring and drooling is not gonna get you shit. you know what, if i were you I'd have told the girl from french class everything that i was feeling for her in the most passionate way one could think of, after all who doesn't like being liked, and if she is a cool headed girl like you think she is, she'd at least think about it and that's half the job done"
"true, but it's all easy to talk and to think over but trust me dude, nothing works the way you want it when you are face to face with a girl. you know what, let's not talk about it for a while"
"alright, that'll work, let's forget about it"
chapter 2
watching movies was the awesomest pastime I've ever known. while watching a movie, I'm totally dragged into it, forgetting everything about me. and movies have been quite influential on a lot of things in my life too. Sid always managed to get tickets for both of us every time an our type of movie was released. I'd watched most of my favourite movies with him. some days after we watched '300' we watched it for the second time and we thought the movie was still great. and when i told priya about the movie, she watched it too, and she didn't think the movie was all that great
"priya didn't think the movie was all that great, can you believe it"
"i think i can. not many girls fancy gore and men fighting with swords. they are often struck by disgust that they fail to notice the visual effects and all"
"quite true. and you know what, now that she's watched '300' she wants me to watch 'high school musical', what do you think about that"
"it's typical, i think"
"ya?"
"ya. if you don't want to watch it, you could just tell her that you watched it and you can also add that you liked the opening and the closing songs, just in case she wants to know your opinion, that always works with musicals. you can also try to hum out a tune, some random tune and she will get it on her first guess"
"that's not fair, i think i will watch it, who knows i might like it"
"since when did you start giving a damn about being fair, you've become such a girl"
"come on, it's just a movie, not like I'm gonna lose anything"
"whatever, as long as I'm not a part of it. so what you gonna do this weekend? i got some weed left from last week's, we can smoke it this weekend, what say?"
"no, i can't come. I'm going to a movie with priya and also she doesn't like the idea of me smoking weed. she disapproves of cigarettes, let alone weed, so i thought of calling it quits, so you carry on"
"what the hell was that. why am i even still friends with you. you're becoming such an asshole. dude, you better get a grip on yourself, don't get carried away. now is it like a date or something?"
"no i don't think so, she and her friends were gonna go and she asked me if I'd like to come too, and i said why not. anyway I've always wanted to go out to a movie or somewhere with a bunch of girls. i used to envy these guys that could do that, and now for once i can be the envied"
"sounds like a big weekend for you. which movie is it?"
"it's a Hindi movie, not sure about the name"
"a Hindi movie? that's crazy, you don't even understand Hindi. what the hell are you gonna do there"
"I'm hoping someone will translate. anyway it's not about the movie, i see this as an opportunity to be with priya and get to know her more"
"get to know her huh? sounds like fun"
"do you think i should get her something, you know being the first time going out and all"
"i don't know, get her whatever. I'm starting to get bored"
"oooh, is that envy that I'm sensing already. I'm sorry, i totally forgot you were single. it must be very sad being single, i hear people say that they get lonely when they are single, is that true. you should perhaps come with me this weekend. i could set you up with one of priya's friends"
"now is that supposed to be funny, I've already had enough this evening, don't you start off with your clichéd humour, obviously it's not funny"
"someone is getting pissed off" I sang
chapter 3
that weekend was quite a disaster for me. there was this huge shock, which i never saw was coming and then there was this movie. that weekend i realized that Hindi movies are really long, very very long and not only are they long but they are also thoroughly boring through out the long length. the humour, lame from the look of it and the sentiments are too corny, and the movie, absolutely crappy. surprisingly the audience was totally engrossed in the movie, and priya was so absorbed in it that she wouldn't translate for me. now this turned out to be one of those moments when one desperately craves to smoke, now a song i thought would give me the time to sneak out for a quick smoke but unfortunately i couldn't tell a song from the rest of the movie because there was this annoying choir humming at the background almost throughout the movie which made the whole movie sound like a song. there's got to be a silver lining somewhere i thought and it came to me almost immediately, the interval. so i was waiting patiently for the interval which never came, and it occurred to me, this could be one of the movies that's got no interval, that's not fair, no silver lining at all. so i was waiting impatiently for the movie to end. just when i thought the movie was over, it turns out that was just the interval. at one point of time the movie bored me so much that i got totally pissed and walked out of the cinema hall and rode to Sid's house
"can you believe it Sid, priya's already got a boyfriend"
"what"
"priya, she's already got a boyfriend"
"i heard you the first time. tell me more about it, it's getting exciting"
"i went to the theatre a little early hoping to have a chat with priya and her friends. and they never turned up until it was five minutes before the movie, and then she comes with a bunch of guys and only guys, and one of them she tells me was her boyfriend and i was totally shocked and you know what i did, i shook hands with him and his buddies, what was i thinking"
"hang on, so her friends that you were talking about the other day, they were all guys?"
"yes, and so many were they that i couldn't count. not even i have hung out with so many guys"
"and she was the only girl"
"yes, very distinctly"
"and she got a boyfriend?"
"yes, and that wasn't me"
"wow, now that's a typical example of an awesome bulb. i never thought today would turn out to be so exciting, go on, keep talking"
"it's not funny dude, I'm totally heart-broken and the movie made me nauseous. she never once mentioned about him, god, i can't believe it"
"i totally can, only now everything is so befitting to your nature. now, i need to know, what were you guys even messaging about. did she ever tell you that she loved you or liked you or have a crush or did you at least tell her"
"i once told her that it was good to message her. but trust me, she gave me all the right signals otherwise i wouldn't have been led on"
"and what exactly are the signals that you are talking about"
"well, she once told me that i was very sweet, and she wanted me to send her some of my photos and she sent me hers. she once said that she liked my hair"
"ooohh, so sweet, I'd have been madly in love"
"stop being funny, cos it really doesn't help"
"alright, so what's the next step"
"there's no next step. I'm gonna have to forget about her and move on. not like I'm too upset anyway, good riddance I'd say"
"loser! you never had her to get rid of her. you are such a loser, ha ha"
"yeah i know dude, but i still can't believe she had a boyfriend throughout the time she was hitting on me. I'm gonna be upset for a long time i think"
"yeah, and you know what you totally were right, definitely it's sad to be single and i hear people say that people get lonely when they're single, is that true, what do you think about that"
"will you please let go. i can't even believe you are my friend"
"I'm sorry, that was mean of me to say that, I'm really sorry. I've just got one question though"
"what"
"how come the rest of the audience didn't complain?"
"why would they complain?"
"cos it must have been very distracting for them to watch the movie with the big bulb of yours burning so bright"
"go on, make fun of me all you like, i don't care"
"I'm only trying to cheer you up dude. every thing's gonna be fine. haven't you heard time heals everything."
"yeah right i know, what's the point in being upset and all, especially while she is still there watching that sick movie. she didn't care to ask why i went out"
"what! you came out in the middle of the movie"
"course i did, what do you expect. that was so horrifyingly boring. I've decided to never again watch a Hindi movie"
"you have been through a lot dude for one day. i feel sorry for you, i really do"
"don't feel sorry, I'll be alright. but what's even more disheartening was when priya refused to translate the movie"
"forget about it dude. i personally thought priya was not the right girl for you. will you cheer up now, in the morning everything is gonna be OK. who knows you might even end up with the girl from your french class"
"that would be something. i think I'll be OK. thanks for talking with me"
"lose the girl in you dude. you know you don't have to thank me"
"yeah, i know. it's kinda weird you know, you have always been there for me throughout but i never felt the need to appreciate that, i guess i kinda got accustomed to it"
"and likewise, i think you've been there for me too and every thing's cool and all's well that ends well, now let's not start sucking each others dick already"
"yeah, got it. now do you still have that weed you were talking about"
"course i do, i was only about to smoke it when you came in"
"good, i can't imagine i was gonna give that up"
"there you are, that's like you"
we smoked weed for a while, and then Sid said
"do you ever wonder how we're gonna be as adults, i mean when we have a family and all?"
"yeah sure, I'll make a pretty decent father. though i seriously doubt if you would"
"maybe, i dunno, but i bet you what, I'll sure make an amazing godfather to your son or daughter"
"ha ha, funny. whatever, i just desperately hope that i have a good life and you too"
"whatever, who cares"
there are many lonely people around, we just don't know that they are lonely. for example, I'm lonely and nobody thinks I'm lonely. i never felt like this until i was in high school. i would attribute my loneliness to the absence of a girlfriend or at least i thought so. many think so. in school, we talked about girls in a subtle and shy way. we got teased for having obsessions and all. in college almost everyone was ready to admit their obsession. i thought we were becoming desperate. i was becoming desperate. when ever we talked, we talked about girls and everywhere we went we looked for girls. as everything went by, some guys got lucky and got girls, presumably girls were looking for guys too, i don't know. overwhelming insecurity binds. my overwhelming insecurity never bound me anywhere, only got me terribly desperate that my tongue hung invariably. until one day i found priya, that name kept resounding in my head. i even suggested
"'priya', isn't that an amazing name. can you think of a name better than that?"
"lavanya"
"who is lavanya?"
"i don't know. i just thought that was a good name. I'd like lavanya for a wife."
"who is lavanya?"
"i don't know. i just like the name, i told you."
"you'd marry a girl for her name? what if she's ugly?"
"i don't think so, lavanyas are usually not ugly. i used to know a lavanya from junior school, she was very pretty "
"i don't know, but i like priya better, fewer syllables. And moreover someone would actually talk when i call that name."
"oh really. what happened to the girl you saw at the french class?"
"oh her. she's totally out of my league. i once actually mustered up all the courage in me and went up to her and asked her name and she said 'why' and that's it, just why. don't you love it when people manage to handle such situations with just a word. i mean imagine the kinda pressure you're under when a girl approaches you, i thought it's the same for girls too. anyway i kinda liked the way she said that"
"and what did you say?"
"what do you expect me to say, i can't tell her that i really liked her and would like to be in a relationship with her. anyway, i couldn't have said that even if I'd wanted to, i was very nervous. i just walked away with a "forget about it" nod, anyway she seemed totally out of my league so forget about it anyway"
"ha ha, that must have been embarrassing.. i can't even imagine you doing that."
"yeah, it was.. but embarrassment i can handle if i knew i was gonna get the girl, that's the trouble, you never know if you stood a chance"
"i know, but trust me man. you don't stand a chance at all, not with any girl, you just need to wait for your parents to find you one."
"what do you mean i don't stand a chance i already got priya"
"you haven't got priya. you've been messaging for what like 5 days?, that's not got her"
"maybe i haven't got her but that's something anyway. what about you, you got nothing and yet you speak like you're a babe magnet"
"course I'm, i just never tried. i could get any girl i want, I'm just not into it"
just then a girl was going across to the canteen, looking at her i said to Sid
"oh really. how about that one there, she's not bad, you can get her?"
"sure, she's easy"
"oh really, why don't you prove it"
"oh really, alright, you just wait here and watch me work. you gotta watch and learn, from the god"
he went up to her and said something and she smiled and walked away. and he came back
"there you go, you saw that?"
"yes, and if that's charming women then i might have done that a hundred or more times without even noticing. that was not even a conversation and she's gone already"
"what are you talking about, she smiled and she sure liked me. i asked her if i stood a chance with her and she smiled, did you not see that"
"that could have meant anything, she could have thought how ridiculous you were"
"alright if that's not enough, you need to wait. she's gonna have to come this way from the canteen, I'll prove it to you then"
"alright i can wait. just don't get into trouble"
that girl was coming out of the canteen
"OK there she comes, i bet she's gonna look at me, watch closely"
"she might look but that doesn't prove anything dummy"
"just watch loser"
the girl was passing by us and as she walked, surprisingly, she did turn to look at him and she smiled too
"now, what do you think about that, you got something to say?"
"alright brad pitt, you win"
"you only need to give them something they'd like, after all they are all humans too. You gotta amuse them or surprise them or at least buy them food if you're not very bright. guys imagine girls always expect a lot from guys which is so not true and which is why guys never get the courage to approach them and strike a decent conversation which i believe is more than sufficient to start with for any normal girl. for instance, the girl from your french class, you quit on her even before you could speak with her properly, that's exactly what I'm talking about"
"there was a reason i could not speak then, i was damn nervous cos she seemed totally out of my league"
"she might be out of your league but she is definitely of your kind"
"oh really, and what kind is that"
"the human kind, you dummy. come on dude haven't you seen the prettiest girls with the ugliest guys. and every time you see them you're struck with disbelief and jealousy, which is totally pointless, cos that's never gonna make you learn from them. they are like our gods and we need to acknowledge the fact that they got something that we haven't, we need to respect them and be inspired by them"
"what's your point dude"
"the point is that it's not that hard to get a girl like you make it out to be"
"i never said it's hard generally, i just don't have what it takes to get a girl"
"that's bullshit. you're pretty cool in my opinion but you are also such a chicken when it comes to girls. you're too scared of what might happen, you imagine a lot and you let that scare you, you're never ready to take a chance and eventually you settle for some everyday girl just cos her name's got fewer syllables. you are a typical loser"
"what are you talking about. i will never settle for an ordinary girl and you don't know about priya just yet, we've just started messaging and i doubt if she's even got the slightest clue that i might be talking this with one of my friends"
"course she knows unless she's totally dumb. are you telling me that she might be looking for some sort of a divine friendship that transcends all emotions and crap like that"
"maybe she knows or whatever, that's not the point. what are you saying i should do? if you think I'm a chicken then is there a way for me to not be a chicken, cos if there is then it's about time you said it"
"I'm saying that you need to be passionate about it, you need to at least give them a chance to like you. Just staring and drooling is not gonna get you shit. you know what, if i were you I'd have told the girl from french class everything that i was feeling for her in the most passionate way one could think of, after all who doesn't like being liked, and if she is a cool headed girl like you think she is, she'd at least think about it and that's half the job done"
"true, but it's all easy to talk and to think over but trust me dude, nothing works the way you want it when you are face to face with a girl. you know what, let's not talk about it for a while"
"alright, that'll work, let's forget about it"
chapter 2
watching movies was the awesomest pastime I've ever known. while watching a movie, I'm totally dragged into it, forgetting everything about me. and movies have been quite influential on a lot of things in my life too. Sid always managed to get tickets for both of us every time an our type of movie was released. I'd watched most of my favourite movies with him. some days after we watched '300' we watched it for the second time and we thought the movie was still great. and when i told priya about the movie, she watched it too, and she didn't think the movie was all that great
"priya didn't think the movie was all that great, can you believe it"
"i think i can. not many girls fancy gore and men fighting with swords. they are often struck by disgust that they fail to notice the visual effects and all"
"quite true. and you know what, now that she's watched '300' she wants me to watch 'high school musical', what do you think about that"
"it's typical, i think"
"ya?"
"ya. if you don't want to watch it, you could just tell her that you watched it and you can also add that you liked the opening and the closing songs, just in case she wants to know your opinion, that always works with musicals. you can also try to hum out a tune, some random tune and she will get it on her first guess"
"that's not fair, i think i will watch it, who knows i might like it"
"since when did you start giving a damn about being fair, you've become such a girl"
"come on, it's just a movie, not like I'm gonna lose anything"
"whatever, as long as I'm not a part of it. so what you gonna do this weekend? i got some weed left from last week's, we can smoke it this weekend, what say?"
"no, i can't come. I'm going to a movie with priya and also she doesn't like the idea of me smoking weed. she disapproves of cigarettes, let alone weed, so i thought of calling it quits, so you carry on"
"what the hell was that. why am i even still friends with you. you're becoming such an asshole. dude, you better get a grip on yourself, don't get carried away. now is it like a date or something?"
"no i don't think so, she and her friends were gonna go and she asked me if I'd like to come too, and i said why not. anyway I've always wanted to go out to a movie or somewhere with a bunch of girls. i used to envy these guys that could do that, and now for once i can be the envied"
"sounds like a big weekend for you. which movie is it?"
"it's a Hindi movie, not sure about the name"
"a Hindi movie? that's crazy, you don't even understand Hindi. what the hell are you gonna do there"
"I'm hoping someone will translate. anyway it's not about the movie, i see this as an opportunity to be with priya and get to know her more"
"get to know her huh? sounds like fun"
"do you think i should get her something, you know being the first time going out and all"
"i don't know, get her whatever. I'm starting to get bored"
"oooh, is that envy that I'm sensing already. I'm sorry, i totally forgot you were single. it must be very sad being single, i hear people say that they get lonely when they are single, is that true. you should perhaps come with me this weekend. i could set you up with one of priya's friends"
"now is that supposed to be funny, I've already had enough this evening, don't you start off with your clichéd humour, obviously it's not funny"
"someone is getting pissed off" I sang
chapter 3
that weekend was quite a disaster for me. there was this huge shock, which i never saw was coming and then there was this movie. that weekend i realized that Hindi movies are really long, very very long and not only are they long but they are also thoroughly boring through out the long length. the humour, lame from the look of it and the sentiments are too corny, and the movie, absolutely crappy. surprisingly the audience was totally engrossed in the movie, and priya was so absorbed in it that she wouldn't translate for me. now this turned out to be one of those moments when one desperately craves to smoke, now a song i thought would give me the time to sneak out for a quick smoke but unfortunately i couldn't tell a song from the rest of the movie because there was this annoying choir humming at the background almost throughout the movie which made the whole movie sound like a song. there's got to be a silver lining somewhere i thought and it came to me almost immediately, the interval. so i was waiting patiently for the interval which never came, and it occurred to me, this could be one of the movies that's got no interval, that's not fair, no silver lining at all. so i was waiting impatiently for the movie to end. just when i thought the movie was over, it turns out that was just the interval. at one point of time the movie bored me so much that i got totally pissed and walked out of the cinema hall and rode to Sid's house
"can you believe it Sid, priya's already got a boyfriend"
"what"
"priya, she's already got a boyfriend"
"i heard you the first time. tell me more about it, it's getting exciting"
"i went to the theatre a little early hoping to have a chat with priya and her friends. and they never turned up until it was five minutes before the movie, and then she comes with a bunch of guys and only guys, and one of them she tells me was her boyfriend and i was totally shocked and you know what i did, i shook hands with him and his buddies, what was i thinking"
"hang on, so her friends that you were talking about the other day, they were all guys?"
"yes, and so many were they that i couldn't count. not even i have hung out with so many guys"
"and she was the only girl"
"yes, very distinctly"
"and she got a boyfriend?"
"yes, and that wasn't me"
"wow, now that's a typical example of an awesome bulb. i never thought today would turn out to be so exciting, go on, keep talking"
"it's not funny dude, I'm totally heart-broken and the movie made me nauseous. she never once mentioned about him, god, i can't believe it"
"i totally can, only now everything is so befitting to your nature. now, i need to know, what were you guys even messaging about. did she ever tell you that she loved you or liked you or have a crush or did you at least tell her"
"i once told her that it was good to message her. but trust me, she gave me all the right signals otherwise i wouldn't have been led on"
"and what exactly are the signals that you are talking about"
"well, she once told me that i was very sweet, and she wanted me to send her some of my photos and she sent me hers. she once said that she liked my hair"
"ooohh, so sweet, I'd have been madly in love"
"stop being funny, cos it really doesn't help"
"alright, so what's the next step"
"there's no next step. I'm gonna have to forget about her and move on. not like I'm too upset anyway, good riddance I'd say"
"loser! you never had her to get rid of her. you are such a loser, ha ha"
"yeah i know dude, but i still can't believe she had a boyfriend throughout the time she was hitting on me. I'm gonna be upset for a long time i think"
"yeah, and you know what you totally were right, definitely it's sad to be single and i hear people say that people get lonely when they're single, is that true, what do you think about that"
"will you please let go. i can't even believe you are my friend"
"I'm sorry, that was mean of me to say that, I'm really sorry. I've just got one question though"
"what"
"how come the rest of the audience didn't complain?"
"why would they complain?"
"cos it must have been very distracting for them to watch the movie with the big bulb of yours burning so bright"
"go on, make fun of me all you like, i don't care"
"I'm only trying to cheer you up dude. every thing's gonna be fine. haven't you heard time heals everything."
"yeah right i know, what's the point in being upset and all, especially while she is still there watching that sick movie. she didn't care to ask why i went out"
"what! you came out in the middle of the movie"
"course i did, what do you expect. that was so horrifyingly boring. I've decided to never again watch a Hindi movie"
"you have been through a lot dude for one day. i feel sorry for you, i really do"
"don't feel sorry, I'll be alright. but what's even more disheartening was when priya refused to translate the movie"
"forget about it dude. i personally thought priya was not the right girl for you. will you cheer up now, in the morning everything is gonna be OK. who knows you might even end up with the girl from your french class"
"that would be something. i think I'll be OK. thanks for talking with me"
"lose the girl in you dude. you know you don't have to thank me"
"yeah, i know. it's kinda weird you know, you have always been there for me throughout but i never felt the need to appreciate that, i guess i kinda got accustomed to it"
"and likewise, i think you've been there for me too and every thing's cool and all's well that ends well, now let's not start sucking each others dick already"
"yeah, got it. now do you still have that weed you were talking about"
"course i do, i was only about to smoke it when you came in"
"good, i can't imagine i was gonna give that up"
"there you are, that's like you"
we smoked weed for a while, and then Sid said
"do you ever wonder how we're gonna be as adults, i mean when we have a family and all?"
"yeah sure, I'll make a pretty decent father. though i seriously doubt if you would"
"maybe, i dunno, but i bet you what, I'll sure make an amazing godfather to your son or daughter"
"ha ha, funny. whatever, i just desperately hope that i have a good life and you too"
"whatever, who cares"
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Another loser
my last few defeats had encouraged me to practice to run. I had been running a few kms in the morning before school and in the evening after school. i could feel the energy in me waiting to show. it was school sports day and i was getting prepared for the 400m race. though i was not a great athlete, i took part in every race invariably. today i actually had real hopes of winning or at least coming 2nd or 3rd because i had practiced like hell and also there was my father watching with the other spectators.
i and the other runners took position after a short warm up. we were eight. as i took my stance i could see the others do the same. i was excited and also a bit nervous. we were ready to run. we were to run after a "ready", "set" and a gun shot.
"ready!"
"set!"
The gun shot went and i took off. i felt no pain initially, i could feel myself gaining speed, i felt like i was gliding. after a few seconds i found myself leading the race, i was surprised and ran harder. as the race gained momentum i sensed a guy advancing to my left and i ran even harder to maintain my lead, but my legs were weakening and the guy smoothly overtook me with ease. he glided further away from me. i knew him, he was a good athlete. when i had only about 100m to finish another athlete overtook me immediately followed by another as if i wasn't a part of their race. i felt faint and got scared. i was running fourth and i knew i could not race the first three, so settling for fourth as i was about finish i slowed down a bit and another guy was pushing himself next to me and i tried to run faster but it seemed the more i tried to run the slower i ran and i finished fifth. The rest of the runners finished a little later.
i was very tired and disappointed still. i felt a bit ashamed, i dunno why. i looked at my father, he looked disappointed too but he tried to smile at me. i went to him and sat beside him. i could have cried if i had wished to, but i did not.
" you ran well. you made it a good competition" he said and i knew he was trying to comfort me.
" don't talk about that dad"
" why shouldn't i talk about it. you ran well and I'm glad you did and I'm glad you're amongst the best five athletes in the school"
" you dunno dad, you have no idea how disappointed i am and no comforting can help"
"but I'm telling the truth" he explained
"you dunno dad, what it feels to always be a mediocre. why, i could see and very well understand that i was a mediocre and i couldn't stand it, it was killing me so i tried to come up and i practiced like anything forgoing every fun i could've had. and now after all that here I'm feeling like the smallest person in the world. why am i born this way dad?"
"Son, i know how you feel and I've felt it too and everyone feels it some point in their lives if this is of any comfort to you" he said
"but daddy, I've never had the feeling of being first, not in anything for that matter. why should i always stare in envy at people achieving things. why can't i achieve something for a change"
"you feel miserable because you think so, but in reality you are just as great as ever. why, in a bigger picture everyone is a mediocre. you feel down because you didn't get the appreciation and recognition of the crowd. but why do you need their appreciation or recognition. you did not run for them. you ran for the joy of running and the thrill of competition. you ran to feel good about it, not to cry over it.
"do you think the people that reward the winners only care about the winners or the participants, not at all. i wonder if they even give a thought about who came first or who ran. they have their own worries. they have not got the time to sort out their problems. they come here because they want to, in some way associate themselves with the society.
"remember, the only person in this world that can truly appreciate you is yourself. you have a long way to go and trust me, this world is filled with things that try to bring you down. the only way o thwart them all is to face them, and face them not like a stoic but like a happy man tapping his feet to some music"
I always thought my father was a great man. he knew everything. he had a way of handling things with ease. he just drained all my sadness. he did not do this by buying me things but by talking with me. i felt very happy not only because of what he told me but also to be with him, to know that i have him every time i need him"
even though i didn't smile, i felt so relieved and happy. he then said
" cheer up boy. we're going home now and mom's waiting with some awesome chicken curry and rice. would you give that up for a fake gold medal. i wouldn't."
i smiled...
i and the other runners took position after a short warm up. we were eight. as i took my stance i could see the others do the same. i was excited and also a bit nervous. we were ready to run. we were to run after a "ready", "set" and a gun shot.
"ready!"
"set!"
The gun shot went and i took off. i felt no pain initially, i could feel myself gaining speed, i felt like i was gliding. after a few seconds i found myself leading the race, i was surprised and ran harder. as the race gained momentum i sensed a guy advancing to my left and i ran even harder to maintain my lead, but my legs were weakening and the guy smoothly overtook me with ease. he glided further away from me. i knew him, he was a good athlete. when i had only about 100m to finish another athlete overtook me immediately followed by another as if i wasn't a part of their race. i felt faint and got scared. i was running fourth and i knew i could not race the first three, so settling for fourth as i was about finish i slowed down a bit and another guy was pushing himself next to me and i tried to run faster but it seemed the more i tried to run the slower i ran and i finished fifth. The rest of the runners finished a little later.
i was very tired and disappointed still. i felt a bit ashamed, i dunno why. i looked at my father, he looked disappointed too but he tried to smile at me. i went to him and sat beside him. i could have cried if i had wished to, but i did not.
" you ran well. you made it a good competition" he said and i knew he was trying to comfort me.
" don't talk about that dad"
" why shouldn't i talk about it. you ran well and I'm glad you did and I'm glad you're amongst the best five athletes in the school"
" you dunno dad, you have no idea how disappointed i am and no comforting can help"
"but I'm telling the truth" he explained
"you dunno dad, what it feels to always be a mediocre. why, i could see and very well understand that i was a mediocre and i couldn't stand it, it was killing me so i tried to come up and i practiced like anything forgoing every fun i could've had. and now after all that here I'm feeling like the smallest person in the world. why am i born this way dad?"
"Son, i know how you feel and I've felt it too and everyone feels it some point in their lives if this is of any comfort to you" he said
"but daddy, I've never had the feeling of being first, not in anything for that matter. why should i always stare in envy at people achieving things. why can't i achieve something for a change"
"you feel miserable because you think so, but in reality you are just as great as ever. why, in a bigger picture everyone is a mediocre. you feel down because you didn't get the appreciation and recognition of the crowd. but why do you need their appreciation or recognition. you did not run for them. you ran for the joy of running and the thrill of competition. you ran to feel good about it, not to cry over it.
"do you think the people that reward the winners only care about the winners or the participants, not at all. i wonder if they even give a thought about who came first or who ran. they have their own worries. they have not got the time to sort out their problems. they come here because they want to, in some way associate themselves with the society.
"remember, the only person in this world that can truly appreciate you is yourself. you have a long way to go and trust me, this world is filled with things that try to bring you down. the only way o thwart them all is to face them, and face them not like a stoic but like a happy man tapping his feet to some music"
I always thought my father was a great man. he knew everything. he had a way of handling things with ease. he just drained all my sadness. he did not do this by buying me things but by talking with me. i felt very happy not only because of what he told me but also to be with him, to know that i have him every time i need him"
even though i didn't smile, i felt so relieved and happy. he then said
" cheer up boy. we're going home now and mom's waiting with some awesome chicken curry and rice. would you give that up for a fake gold medal. i wouldn't."
i smiled...
the loser
waking up was getting harder everyday. my head was so filled with fear. i was so scared that shit wont come out. fear that comes out of loneliness. getting myself back to somewhere close to normal took quite sometime. sleep seemed to be the brightest part in my life, but sometimes even sleep was agonizing, full of gloomy dreams and so much like my real life. but sometimes the dreams were good, everything seemed perfect there that I'd start believing that life was getting better and then I'd wake up to find nothing changed. then I'd try to go back to sleep but most times I'd fail, then I'd just lie there for a bit like an unwieldy bag of shit. this has been my life for quite a while now.
when i was born i was not aware of anything not even my birth. For a long time i knew nothing, at least not that i can remember now. then i grew up slowly becoming aware of myself and everything around me. as days went by i noticed i was not growing as fast as my classmates. i was not eating well some suggested. so my parents fed me dutifully and i absorbed all of that like i had a natural affinity. the outcome was noticed in a months time, i had grown laterally. by then my affinity for food also had grown stronger and then on i never stopped growing. after a few years some said i could float in the air and i thought i could sink into the earth.
i was fat. i was fat in college. everyone noticed me, but for all the wrong reasons. i couldn't help it, couldn't blame them either. i imagine it was very comforting for them to look at me and they were happy to see me and every time they needed some perspective, they would look at me and say to themselves 'things could have been worse'. i noticed, in my class i was the fattest and the shortest, how unique i was. first year was when everyone was excited, the boys couldn't take their eyes off the girls and the girls couldn't stop looking beautiful. the guys would look and the girls would giggle. some exchanged glances, some spoke with one another and some even made out after college i heard. i noticed, nobody looked at me or spoke with me let alone make out with me, not even the fat ones. can't blame them, cos i never had the urge to look at them or talk to them. in college if one has good looks and some money he is popular by the end of first week and he is happy and proud and smug. everyone wanted to be popular, i wanted to be popular but i had neither and i was very sad. life sucks i thought. everyone was born equal meant shit to me.
i was not a totally lonely kid, i made a few friends and was with them most time. i found solace in their company or at least that made me forget how unfortunate i was. i thought my friends weren't very bright, what held us together was the implicit agreement about nature's disparity. we could do nothing about it, we couldn't change it. we never talked about our misfortune. we tried to forget it. we always tried to stick together everywhere we went and everything we did. though we were together all the time, deep down inside was an overwhelming loneliness, and it crept out every once in a while. every time we had some money, we pooled it and boozed. that helped. once a friend of our friend's introduced us to dope. we thought that was cool. doping was like a dream. we started to get addicted to that and also that was a bit expensive so we decided to quit and we did. by then college time was almost over and all of us got jobs at different places and we had to split.
the first few days of my work were like the first few days of college. i met different people, and we had to be in a class for some kind of training, a part of the initiation. once during a training session, a girl sat next to me. she was not a stunner, but she was not bad either and i liked her at once. she had the soft, light skin of a girl and she looked very pretty when she smiled, she always spoke softly like all girls. i wished she could be mine. if i asked her something, she would answer so softly and patiently. this I've noticed in most girls, they are so composed and mature all the time. i wish i could be as mature. the more i talked with her the more i wanted to talk. by the end of that day i was totally in love with her. i was thinking about her all the time. the next day i was excited and was looking forward to talking to her. sadly, she was sitting next to another guy and he could beat me hands down, in any regard. she smiled at me and i smiled back and got another seat. i was sad for the next few days, but by then i got used to being sad as i had been through worse in the past.
and now, nothing has changed. i stood blearily in front of the mirror and kept staring. i looked ugly, i kept staring in self pity. i can lose some weight if i tried i thought and i decided to run in the beach, with the other fat people. so i started to run, looking to lose some fat and gain some self respect. i still run in the mornings in the beach, just by the sea. you can come and talk with me if you feel like it, i will like that.
when i was born i was not aware of anything not even my birth. For a long time i knew nothing, at least not that i can remember now. then i grew up slowly becoming aware of myself and everything around me. as days went by i noticed i was not growing as fast as my classmates. i was not eating well some suggested. so my parents fed me dutifully and i absorbed all of that like i had a natural affinity. the outcome was noticed in a months time, i had grown laterally. by then my affinity for food also had grown stronger and then on i never stopped growing. after a few years some said i could float in the air and i thought i could sink into the earth.
i was fat. i was fat in college. everyone noticed me, but for all the wrong reasons. i couldn't help it, couldn't blame them either. i imagine it was very comforting for them to look at me and they were happy to see me and every time they needed some perspective, they would look at me and say to themselves 'things could have been worse'. i noticed, in my class i was the fattest and the shortest, how unique i was. first year was when everyone was excited, the boys couldn't take their eyes off the girls and the girls couldn't stop looking beautiful. the guys would look and the girls would giggle. some exchanged glances, some spoke with one another and some even made out after college i heard. i noticed, nobody looked at me or spoke with me let alone make out with me, not even the fat ones. can't blame them, cos i never had the urge to look at them or talk to them. in college if one has good looks and some money he is popular by the end of first week and he is happy and proud and smug. everyone wanted to be popular, i wanted to be popular but i had neither and i was very sad. life sucks i thought. everyone was born equal meant shit to me.
i was not a totally lonely kid, i made a few friends and was with them most time. i found solace in their company or at least that made me forget how unfortunate i was. i thought my friends weren't very bright, what held us together was the implicit agreement about nature's disparity. we could do nothing about it, we couldn't change it. we never talked about our misfortune. we tried to forget it. we always tried to stick together everywhere we went and everything we did. though we were together all the time, deep down inside was an overwhelming loneliness, and it crept out every once in a while. every time we had some money, we pooled it and boozed. that helped. once a friend of our friend's introduced us to dope. we thought that was cool. doping was like a dream. we started to get addicted to that and also that was a bit expensive so we decided to quit and we did. by then college time was almost over and all of us got jobs at different places and we had to split.
the first few days of my work were like the first few days of college. i met different people, and we had to be in a class for some kind of training, a part of the initiation. once during a training session, a girl sat next to me. she was not a stunner, but she was not bad either and i liked her at once. she had the soft, light skin of a girl and she looked very pretty when she smiled, she always spoke softly like all girls. i wished she could be mine. if i asked her something, she would answer so softly and patiently. this I've noticed in most girls, they are so composed and mature all the time. i wish i could be as mature. the more i talked with her the more i wanted to talk. by the end of that day i was totally in love with her. i was thinking about her all the time. the next day i was excited and was looking forward to talking to her. sadly, she was sitting next to another guy and he could beat me hands down, in any regard. she smiled at me and i smiled back and got another seat. i was sad for the next few days, but by then i got used to being sad as i had been through worse in the past.
and now, nothing has changed. i stood blearily in front of the mirror and kept staring. i looked ugly, i kept staring in self pity. i can lose some weight if i tried i thought and i decided to run in the beach, with the other fat people. so i started to run, looking to lose some fat and gain some self respect. i still run in the mornings in the beach, just by the sea. you can come and talk with me if you feel like it, i will like that.
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