I tried to die today. No, i wasn't trying to kill myself. I was trying to die by will. Before i tell you if i succeeded, you should know why i wanted to die. I wanted to die not because i was sad or depressed, i'm better than that. When i retrospected my entire life, i noticed one thing. Nothing lasts forever. Cliched though it may sound, it is true. I've been happy, i've been sad. I've struggled really hard to get something and i've relaxed equally after getting it. I've laughed, i've cried. And all that had a beginning and an end. Nothing was permanent. And this revelation had a very disturbing effect on my life. Every time i was really happy, like really really happy, i couldn't ignore the fact that there will be sadness shortly and that it's quite inevitable. And this put me to worry and i will go from worrying to feeling sad. Really sad. Until one point when i will know i've had enough of sadness and i will start feeling happy. This was bothering me. Nevertheless, this nature of our lives intrigued me and i started noticing that this was the case with the entire universe.
If achieving nothing really gives one a permanent sense of satisfaction, what does the same one do? I tried to look for an answer and it's quite evident that the universe arranges itself in such a way that there is perfect balance. Everybody talks about perfect balance. Here's my spin. There is absolutely nothing that could offset this balance. And i realized that i can achieve a state of permanency only when everything about me is perfectly balanced. Because when i'm totally balanced from within there's absolutely no need for the universe to check my life.
So, i decided to renounce everything i got. I'm not talking about my worldly possessions, they are only a means to maintain the balance. One could easily give up material, that's not the challenge. Giving up ones inner world is the real task and i decided i will. This meant i should feel no emotion, neither love nor hate. No happiness and no sadness. No sympathy, excitement, desire, hope, lust, no nothing. When one is completely balanced he is no longer influenced by the universe, the universe will ignore him. And that's dying by will. Not easy but possible.
I sat on the couch in my living room trying to die. For this, one doesn't need to abandon his clothes and stuff. It is possible in your living room on a couch or anywhere for that matter. So, there i was trying to die. I slowly reflected everything that had happened in my life, everything sad, happy, good, bad, everything. Everything that accounted for the balance. I lost track of time now. I could feel all my emotions effusing out of me. I, now knew for sure that the love i had for everything i loved and the hate i had for everything i hated don't exist anymore. I felt no pain. I felt no fear. I felt no excitement. I felt nothing. I could now see a tiny spot of light in the distance. The light grew. Now, i knew i was going to part with the world, life and everything. But no, i cannot die now and i knew it, the balance is lost. I now desired to die and this desire will not let me die. I gave up. I knew i could never achieve a state of perfect balance.
But i couldn't wake up to consciousness. The light that i saw now got closer and brighter. It was blinding and all i could see was pure white light. I was floating in it. I was actually going to die now, giving up my desire to die caused me to be perfectly balanced. I saw my entire life flash in front of me. I understood the meaning of everything now. I realized what life was all about. I got answers to all the questions i ever had. I experienced bliss. My soul is now soaring at great heights or there was no sense of height where i was. Suddenly, i felt like i was falling. I was pulled down by a thought. A thought that tipped the balance. A thought that brought me back to reality. A thought of regret. Right.
Right, when i was soaring in the heights of bliss, i was hit by this silly yet legitimate regret. I forgot to flush after i used the toilet the last time. Here one needs to know that i'm the type of person that always flushes after using the toilet. And, if i didn't, the thought will eat my head. Why didn't i flush the first time if it's such a problem? Well, i did but the mechanism wasn't effectual. There was still some s##t floating there and i didn't have the patience to wait for the tank to be full again. I told myself that i'll flush the next time and i really can't believe you're still reading this. This is what happens when you have too much time in your hands. I'm bored now. I need to go, bye.
If achieving nothing really gives one a permanent sense of satisfaction, what does the same one do? I tried to look for an answer and it's quite evident that the universe arranges itself in such a way that there is perfect balance. Everybody talks about perfect balance. Here's my spin. There is absolutely nothing that could offset this balance. And i realized that i can achieve a state of permanency only when everything about me is perfectly balanced. Because when i'm totally balanced from within there's absolutely no need for the universe to check my life.
So, i decided to renounce everything i got. I'm not talking about my worldly possessions, they are only a means to maintain the balance. One could easily give up material, that's not the challenge. Giving up ones inner world is the real task and i decided i will. This meant i should feel no emotion, neither love nor hate. No happiness and no sadness. No sympathy, excitement, desire, hope, lust, no nothing. When one is completely balanced he is no longer influenced by the universe, the universe will ignore him. And that's dying by will. Not easy but possible.
I sat on the couch in my living room trying to die. For this, one doesn't need to abandon his clothes and stuff. It is possible in your living room on a couch or anywhere for that matter. So, there i was trying to die. I slowly reflected everything that had happened in my life, everything sad, happy, good, bad, everything. Everything that accounted for the balance. I lost track of time now. I could feel all my emotions effusing out of me. I, now knew for sure that the love i had for everything i loved and the hate i had for everything i hated don't exist anymore. I felt no pain. I felt no fear. I felt no excitement. I felt nothing. I could now see a tiny spot of light in the distance. The light grew. Now, i knew i was going to part with the world, life and everything. But no, i cannot die now and i knew it, the balance is lost. I now desired to die and this desire will not let me die. I gave up. I knew i could never achieve a state of perfect balance.
But i couldn't wake up to consciousness. The light that i saw now got closer and brighter. It was blinding and all i could see was pure white light. I was floating in it. I was actually going to die now, giving up my desire to die caused me to be perfectly balanced. I saw my entire life flash in front of me. I understood the meaning of everything now. I realized what life was all about. I got answers to all the questions i ever had. I experienced bliss. My soul is now soaring at great heights or there was no sense of height where i was. Suddenly, i felt like i was falling. I was pulled down by a thought. A thought that tipped the balance. A thought that brought me back to reality. A thought of regret. Right.
Right, when i was soaring in the heights of bliss, i was hit by this silly yet legitimate regret. I forgot to flush after i used the toilet the last time. Here one needs to know that i'm the type of person that always flushes after using the toilet. And, if i didn't, the thought will eat my head. Why didn't i flush the first time if it's such a problem? Well, i did but the mechanism wasn't effectual. There was still some s##t floating there and i didn't have the patience to wait for the tank to be full again. I told myself that i'll flush the next time and i really can't believe you're still reading this. This is what happens when you have too much time in your hands. I'm bored now. I need to go, bye.
