my last few defeats had encouraged me to practice to run. I had been running a few kms in the morning before school and in the evening after school. i could feel the energy in me waiting to show. it was school sports day and i was getting prepared for the 400m race. though i was not a great athlete, i took part in every race invariably. today i actually had real hopes of winning or at least coming 2nd or 3rd because i had practiced like hell and also there was my father watching with the other spectators.
i and the other runners took position after a short warm up. we were eight. as i took my stance i could see the others do the same. i was excited and also a bit nervous. we were ready to run. we were to run after a "ready", "set" and a gun shot.
"ready!"
"set!"
The gun shot went and i took off. i felt no pain initially, i could feel myself gaining speed, i felt like i was gliding. after a few seconds i found myself leading the race, i was surprised and ran harder. as the race gained momentum i sensed a guy advancing to my left and i ran even harder to maintain my lead, but my legs were weakening and the guy smoothly overtook me with ease. he glided further away from me. i knew him, he was a good athlete. when i had only about 100m to finish another athlete overtook me immediately followed by another as if i wasn't a part of their race. i felt faint and got scared. i was running fourth and i knew i could not race the first three, so settling for fourth as i was about finish i slowed down a bit and another guy was pushing himself next to me and i tried to run faster but it seemed the more i tried to run the slower i ran and i finished fifth. The rest of the runners finished a little later.
i was very tired and disappointed still. i felt a bit ashamed, i dunno why. i looked at my father, he looked disappointed too but he tried to smile at me. i went to him and sat beside him. i could have cried if i had wished to, but i did not.
" you ran well. you made it a good competition" he said and i knew he was trying to comfort me.
" don't talk about that dad"
" why shouldn't i talk about it. you ran well and I'm glad you did and I'm glad you're amongst the best five athletes in the school"
" you dunno dad, you have no idea how disappointed i am and no comforting can help"
"but I'm telling the truth" he explained
"you dunno dad, what it feels to always be a mediocre. why, i could see and very well understand that i was a mediocre and i couldn't stand it, it was killing me so i tried to come up and i practiced like anything forgoing every fun i could've had. and now after all that here I'm feeling like the smallest person in the world. why am i born this way dad?"
"Son, i know how you feel and I've felt it too and everyone feels it some point in their lives if this is of any comfort to you" he said
"but daddy, I've never had the feeling of being first, not in anything for that matter. why should i always stare in envy at people achieving things. why can't i achieve something for a change"
"you feel miserable because you think so, but in reality you are just as great as ever. why, in a bigger picture everyone is a mediocre. you feel down because you didn't get the appreciation and recognition of the crowd. but why do you need their appreciation or recognition. you did not run for them. you ran for the joy of running and the thrill of competition. you ran to feel good about it, not to cry over it.
"do you think the people that reward the winners only care about the winners or the participants, not at all. i wonder if they even give a thought about who came first or who ran. they have their own worries. they have not got the time to sort out their problems. they come here because they want to, in some way associate themselves with the society.
"remember, the only person in this world that can truly appreciate you is yourself. you have a long way to go and trust me, this world is filled with things that try to bring you down. the only way o thwart them all is to face them, and face them not like a stoic but like a happy man tapping his feet to some music"
I always thought my father was a great man. he knew everything. he had a way of handling things with ease. he just drained all my sadness. he did not do this by buying me things but by talking with me. i felt very happy not only because of what he told me but also to be with him, to know that i have him every time i need him"
even though i didn't smile, i felt so relieved and happy. he then said
" cheer up boy. we're going home now and mom's waiting with some awesome chicken curry and rice. would you give that up for a fake gold medal. i wouldn't."
i smiled...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
the loser
waking up was getting harder everyday. my head was so filled with fear. i was so scared that shit wont come out. fear that comes out of loneliness. getting myself back to somewhere close to normal took quite sometime. sleep seemed to be the brightest part in my life, but sometimes even sleep was agonizing, full of gloomy dreams and so much like my real life. but sometimes the dreams were good, everything seemed perfect there that I'd start believing that life was getting better and then I'd wake up to find nothing changed. then I'd try to go back to sleep but most times I'd fail, then I'd just lie there for a bit like an unwieldy bag of shit. this has been my life for quite a while now.
when i was born i was not aware of anything not even my birth. For a long time i knew nothing, at least not that i can remember now. then i grew up slowly becoming aware of myself and everything around me. as days went by i noticed i was not growing as fast as my classmates. i was not eating well some suggested. so my parents fed me dutifully and i absorbed all of that like i had a natural affinity. the outcome was noticed in a months time, i had grown laterally. by then my affinity for food also had grown stronger and then on i never stopped growing. after a few years some said i could float in the air and i thought i could sink into the earth.
i was fat. i was fat in college. everyone noticed me, but for all the wrong reasons. i couldn't help it, couldn't blame them either. i imagine it was very comforting for them to look at me and they were happy to see me and every time they needed some perspective, they would look at me and say to themselves 'things could have been worse'. i noticed, in my class i was the fattest and the shortest, how unique i was. first year was when everyone was excited, the boys couldn't take their eyes off the girls and the girls couldn't stop looking beautiful. the guys would look and the girls would giggle. some exchanged glances, some spoke with one another and some even made out after college i heard. i noticed, nobody looked at me or spoke with me let alone make out with me, not even the fat ones. can't blame them, cos i never had the urge to look at them or talk to them. in college if one has good looks and some money he is popular by the end of first week and he is happy and proud and smug. everyone wanted to be popular, i wanted to be popular but i had neither and i was very sad. life sucks i thought. everyone was born equal meant shit to me.
i was not a totally lonely kid, i made a few friends and was with them most time. i found solace in their company or at least that made me forget how unfortunate i was. i thought my friends weren't very bright, what held us together was the implicit agreement about nature's disparity. we could do nothing about it, we couldn't change it. we never talked about our misfortune. we tried to forget it. we always tried to stick together everywhere we went and everything we did. though we were together all the time, deep down inside was an overwhelming loneliness, and it crept out every once in a while. every time we had some money, we pooled it and boozed. that helped. once a friend of our friend's introduced us to dope. we thought that was cool. doping was like a dream. we started to get addicted to that and also that was a bit expensive so we decided to quit and we did. by then college time was almost over and all of us got jobs at different places and we had to split.
the first few days of my work were like the first few days of college. i met different people, and we had to be in a class for some kind of training, a part of the initiation. once during a training session, a girl sat next to me. she was not a stunner, but she was not bad either and i liked her at once. she had the soft, light skin of a girl and she looked very pretty when she smiled, she always spoke softly like all girls. i wished she could be mine. if i asked her something, she would answer so softly and patiently. this I've noticed in most girls, they are so composed and mature all the time. i wish i could be as mature. the more i talked with her the more i wanted to talk. by the end of that day i was totally in love with her. i was thinking about her all the time. the next day i was excited and was looking forward to talking to her. sadly, she was sitting next to another guy and he could beat me hands down, in any regard. she smiled at me and i smiled back and got another seat. i was sad for the next few days, but by then i got used to being sad as i had been through worse in the past.
and now, nothing has changed. i stood blearily in front of the mirror and kept staring. i looked ugly, i kept staring in self pity. i can lose some weight if i tried i thought and i decided to run in the beach, with the other fat people. so i started to run, looking to lose some fat and gain some self respect. i still run in the mornings in the beach, just by the sea. you can come and talk with me if you feel like it, i will like that.
when i was born i was not aware of anything not even my birth. For a long time i knew nothing, at least not that i can remember now. then i grew up slowly becoming aware of myself and everything around me. as days went by i noticed i was not growing as fast as my classmates. i was not eating well some suggested. so my parents fed me dutifully and i absorbed all of that like i had a natural affinity. the outcome was noticed in a months time, i had grown laterally. by then my affinity for food also had grown stronger and then on i never stopped growing. after a few years some said i could float in the air and i thought i could sink into the earth.
i was fat. i was fat in college. everyone noticed me, but for all the wrong reasons. i couldn't help it, couldn't blame them either. i imagine it was very comforting for them to look at me and they were happy to see me and every time they needed some perspective, they would look at me and say to themselves 'things could have been worse'. i noticed, in my class i was the fattest and the shortest, how unique i was. first year was when everyone was excited, the boys couldn't take their eyes off the girls and the girls couldn't stop looking beautiful. the guys would look and the girls would giggle. some exchanged glances, some spoke with one another and some even made out after college i heard. i noticed, nobody looked at me or spoke with me let alone make out with me, not even the fat ones. can't blame them, cos i never had the urge to look at them or talk to them. in college if one has good looks and some money he is popular by the end of first week and he is happy and proud and smug. everyone wanted to be popular, i wanted to be popular but i had neither and i was very sad. life sucks i thought. everyone was born equal meant shit to me.
i was not a totally lonely kid, i made a few friends and was with them most time. i found solace in their company or at least that made me forget how unfortunate i was. i thought my friends weren't very bright, what held us together was the implicit agreement about nature's disparity. we could do nothing about it, we couldn't change it. we never talked about our misfortune. we tried to forget it. we always tried to stick together everywhere we went and everything we did. though we were together all the time, deep down inside was an overwhelming loneliness, and it crept out every once in a while. every time we had some money, we pooled it and boozed. that helped. once a friend of our friend's introduced us to dope. we thought that was cool. doping was like a dream. we started to get addicted to that and also that was a bit expensive so we decided to quit and we did. by then college time was almost over and all of us got jobs at different places and we had to split.
the first few days of my work were like the first few days of college. i met different people, and we had to be in a class for some kind of training, a part of the initiation. once during a training session, a girl sat next to me. she was not a stunner, but she was not bad either and i liked her at once. she had the soft, light skin of a girl and she looked very pretty when she smiled, she always spoke softly like all girls. i wished she could be mine. if i asked her something, she would answer so softly and patiently. this I've noticed in most girls, they are so composed and mature all the time. i wish i could be as mature. the more i talked with her the more i wanted to talk. by the end of that day i was totally in love with her. i was thinking about her all the time. the next day i was excited and was looking forward to talking to her. sadly, she was sitting next to another guy and he could beat me hands down, in any regard. she smiled at me and i smiled back and got another seat. i was sad for the next few days, but by then i got used to being sad as i had been through worse in the past.
and now, nothing has changed. i stood blearily in front of the mirror and kept staring. i looked ugly, i kept staring in self pity. i can lose some weight if i tried i thought and i decided to run in the beach, with the other fat people. so i started to run, looking to lose some fat and gain some self respect. i still run in the mornings in the beach, just by the sea. you can come and talk with me if you feel like it, i will like that.
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